I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face!
A month or 2 ago, I met a student here at Duke that I hadn't previously known. We started hanging out, and I thought she was cool and impressive in a lot of ways (Note: not referring to sexual skills here!). After hanging out a few times, it became evident that this woman was sexually attracted to me, and, I must admit, I was a bit curious about her too. So far no problems. This isn't the first time I've been attracted to another woman, and not the first time one's been attracted to me. But I'm kind-of over the whole casual sex thing, and while the thought of sex with her may have been intriguing, I didn't plan on following it through.
Ha ha ha.... WHAT?!?! That's the first thing I though after she said it. I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face! Then I thought: If a guy said this to me, I wouldn't still be here sitting next to him. Why is this OK with me? I went to the bathroom to get a hold of my thoughts, and that's when I realized how not OK this entire situation was.
I cried walking back to my room. How could someone I considered a friend (and I'm using that term loosely here) say something like that to me? But that wasn't the most hurtful part about it. The fact that I have to worry about another WOMAN objectifying me in that way, pressuring me for sex, "waiting around" for an opportunity, or preying on me when I'm drunk is... so ridiculously screwed up I can't even comprehend it. All of my previous assumptions about women being "safe," understanding, and non-predatory evaporated that night. But as sad as those realizations may be, I'm glad I can no longer take those things for granted.
As much as I hate gender categories and stereotypes, I'm not immune to thinking about life in gendered terms, and what I learned from this was just how easy it is to fall into that trap. In some ways, I still think its extra disappointing that those statements came from a woman-- but in reality women and men and everyone in-between or outside of these categories are capable of pressuring and assaulting others sexually, and I think that's something we need to realize more fully.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Threat from Within
Before I begin, let me just say that I know there are probably some ethical/privacy issues I'm completely ignoring in posting this. I know some of the people who read this will gossip and try to figure out who I'm talking about. And you may figure it out... and who knows what the consequences of that may be. But you know what? I'm tired of not saying the things I want to say b/c of how other people might react, or because I'm trying to protect someone else. The truth is, this happened. And it's not my responsibility to keep it a secret just so someone doesn't encounter judgment. All I ask of you is to learn something from my experience and don't just gossip about it immaturely as if it's a game.
Time elapses, and a few unnecessarily emotional conversations later I tell her for good that I'm not going to have sex with her-- being nice enough to include the 3 or 4 reasons why I didn't want to. The conversation progresses and she begins to explain that she cannot control her attraction to me... every time she looks at me, she thinks about how sexy I am, and how she wants to do me. I'm not exactly complaining at this point, but I ask her if this will pose problems for our friendship. So, we start discussing that, and she says:
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