Is Age But a Number?

Another anonymous contribution:

Okay, so I’ve been reading these posts ever since this blog was created and have been debating as to what I should write about and have finally found just the perfect issue that pertains to me and my experiences.


So, we’ve all heard of couples where the two are more than fifteen years apart in age. It’s like taboo to marry, let alone date someone who is that much older than you. But in my previous few dates, the guys have been ten to eighteen years older than me but not because I’m not attractive enough to get guys my own age. I’ve had a serious relationship with a guy who was 21 years old as well as more than a few hook ups with attractive guys in my age range (20-23). There is just something in older guys that I find attractive, maybe its maturity or stability?

I guess this goes back to the question – what am I really looking for? I was recently speaking to a friend who told me that I’m 20 years old, I should be having fun and not to worry about a relationship until later on. Many friends have told me that. I know I want a relationship but what kind? Something serious? Something pretty short term? Or long term?

I’m a huge fan of security, stability, and predictability. Is this what older guys offer me? I guess I’m quick to judge younger gays as looking to mess around, to live for the moment, and people who are not into the entire commitment thing. It’s pretty bad that even as a gay male, I am quick to see my own young gay community as a bunch of guys who go and get with every other gay. Maybe that’s why I tend to go for older guys because I think they’re ready to settle down and therefore, more stable and more reliable as boyfriends. In addition to this, I am very attracted to their maturity as far as relationships and not to put myself on a pedestal, but I think that I am a bit more mature when it comes to relationships than many gay males my age. You might think well, they may be mature but that I would have no way in connecting with them on a social level at all. Wrong. Some of my best conversations have been with these older guys and I just really connected in ways with them that I have yet to encounter with the younger gay crowd.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a standard of the older guys I’ve been with as far as appearance – I don’t do the balding, bad teeth, wrinkly skin kind of thing – but you’d be surprised how good some of them look and you wouldn’t even know they were in their 30s. If you knew me, you would know that I place a lot of emphasis on primary physical appearance but after that initial attraction, its all personality from there and most of these guys, not all, are still on my radar.

You may think I’m untraditional for continuing to date older men but there are so many reasons that I can’t verbalize. Just to let you all know, I’m always willing to give any guy a chance, subject to the fact that I’m attracted to them of course, but I have yet to find that younger gay guy who stimulates me both physically and mentally. If you’re out there, give me a shout haha.

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Threat from Within

I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face!

Before I begin, let me just say that I know there are probably some ethical/privacy issues I'm completely ignoring in posting this. I know some of the people who read this will gossip and try to figure out who I'm talking about. And you may figure it out... and who knows what the consequences of that may be. But you know what? I'm tired of not saying the things I want to say b/c of how other people might react, or because I'm trying to protect someone else. The truth is, this happened. And it's not my responsibility to keep it a secret just so someone doesn't encounter judgment. All I ask of you is to learn something from my experience and don't just gossip about it immaturely as if it's a game.

A month or 2 ago, I met a student here at Duke that I hadn't previously known. We started hanging out, and I thought she was cool and impressive in a lot of ways (Note: not referring to sexual skills here!). After hanging out a few times, it became evident that this woman was sexually attracted to me, and, I must admit, I was a bit curious about her too. So far no problems. This isn't the first time I've been attracted to another woman, and not the first time one's been attracted to me. But I'm kind-of over the whole casual sex thing, and while the thought of sex with her may have been intriguing, I didn't plan on following it through.

Time elapses, and a few unnecessarily emotional conversations later I tell her for good that I'm not going to have sex with her-- being nice enough to include the 3 or 4 reasons why I didn't want to. The conversation progresses and she begins to explain that she cannot control her attraction to me... every time she looks at me, she thinks about how sexy I am, and how she wants to do me. I'm not exactly complaining at this point, but I ask her if this will pose problems for our friendship. So, we start discussing that, and she says:

1. Can I pay you to have sex with me?
2. Whyyy won't you have sex with me again?
3. I can't promise you, that if you're drunk or something, I'm not going to have sex with you... I think I might always be waiting around for an opportunity...

Ha ha ha.... WHAT?!?! That's the first thing I though after she said it. I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face! Then I thought: If a guy said this to me, I wouldn't still be here sitting next to him. Why is this OK with me? I went to the bathroom to get a hold of my thoughts, and that's when I realized how not OK this entire situation was.

I cried walking back to my room. How could someone I considered a friend (and I'm using that term loosely here) say something like that to me? But that wasn't the most hurtful part about it. The fact that I have to worry about another WOMAN objectifying me in that way, pressuring me for sex, "waiting around" for an opportunity, or preying on me when I'm drunk is... so ridiculously screwed up I can't even comprehend it. All of my previous assumptions about women being "safe," understanding, and non-predatory evaporated that night. But as sad as those realizations may be, I'm glad I can no longer take those things for granted.

As much as I hate gender categories and stereotypes, I'm not immune to thinking about life in gendered terms, and what I learned from this was just how easy it is to fall into that trap. In some ways, I still think its extra disappointing that those statements came from a woman-- but in reality women and men and everyone in-between or outside of these categories are capable of pressuring and assaulting others sexually, and I think that's something we need to realize more fully.

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