Before I begin, let me just say that I know there are probably some ethical/privacy issues I'm completely ignoring in posting this. I know some of the people who read this will gossip and try to figure out who I'm talking about. And you may figure it out... and who knows what the consequences of that may be. But you know what? I'm tired of not saying the things I want to say b/c of how other people might react, or because I'm trying to protect someone else. The truth is, this happened. And it's not my responsibility to keep it a secret just so someone doesn't encounter judgment. All I ask of you is to learn something from my experience and don't just gossip about it immaturely as if it's a game.
A month or 2 ago, I met a student here at Duke that I hadn't previously known. We started hanging out, and I thought she was cool and impressive in a lot of ways (Note: not referring to sexual skills here!). After hanging out a few times, it became evident that this woman was sexually attracted to me, and, I must admit, I was a bit curious about her too. So far no problems. This isn't the first time I've been attracted to another woman, and not the first time one's been attracted to me. But I'm kind-of over the whole casual sex thing, and while the thought of sex with her may have been intriguing, I didn't plan on following it through.
Time elapses, and a few unnecessarily emotional conversations later I tell her for good that I'm not going to have sex with her-- being nice enough to include the 3 or 4 reasons why I didn't want to. The conversation progresses and she begins to explain that she cannot control her attraction to me... every time she looks at me, she thinks about how sexy I am, and how she wants to do me. I'm not exactly complaining at this point, but I ask her if this will pose problems for our friendship. So, we start discussing that, and she says:
I cried walking back to my room. How could someone I considered a friend (and I'm using that term loosely here) say something like that to me? But that wasn't the most hurtful part about it. The fact that I have to worry about another WOMAN objectifying me in that way, pressuring me for sex, "waiting around" for an opportunity, or preying on me when I'm drunk is... so ridiculously screwed up I can't even comprehend it. All of my previous assumptions about women being "safe," understanding, and non-predatory evaporated that night. But as sad as those realizations may be, I'm glad I can no longer take those things for granted.
As much as I hate gender categories and stereotypes, I'm not immune to thinking about life in gendered terms, and what I learned from this was just how easy it is to fall into that trap. In some ways, I still think its extra disappointing that those statements came from a woman-- but in reality women and men and everyone in-between or outside of these categories are capable of pressuring and assaulting others sexually, and I think that's something we need to realize more fully.
- Can I pay you to have sex with me?
- Whyyy won't you have sex with me again?
- I can't promise you, that if you're drunk or something, I'm not going to have sex with you... I think I might always be waiting around for an opportunity...
I cried walking back to my room. How could someone I considered a friend (and I'm using that term loosely here) say something like that to me? But that wasn't the most hurtful part about it. The fact that I have to worry about another WOMAN objectifying me in that way, pressuring me for sex, "waiting around" for an opportunity, or preying on me when I'm drunk is... so ridiculously screwed up I can't even comprehend it. All of my previous assumptions about women being "safe," understanding, and non-predatory evaporated that night. But as sad as those realizations may be, I'm glad I can no longer take those things for granted.
As much as I hate gender categories and stereotypes, I'm not immune to thinking about life in gendered terms, and what I learned from this was just how easy it is to fall into that trap. In some ways, I still think its extra disappointing that those statements came from a woman-- but in reality women and men and everyone in-between or outside of these categories are capable of pressuring and assaulting others sexually, and I think that's something we need to realize more fully.
I commend you for your courage and articulateness in sharing this story, but I don't think this blog was the appropriate forum for doing so. Duke has a small community of queer women, and news travels quickly through the grapevine. While you may not intend to hurt anyone's feelings or reputation, you inevitably will. Depicting a fellow student as a sexual predator is a serious charge with potentially serious judicial consequences. And I don't think you're giving this student a fair chance to defend herself: either she stays silent and other readers assume her implicit guilt, or she responds and risks comprising both her confidentiality and yours.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like this fellow student's comments made you feel objectified and even unsafe. Have you tried talking to her about it and getting clarification from her about what she meant?
Sorry, but I just think it's irresponsible to post this incendiary story without giving the student you mention a fair chance to tell her side of the story. (What bloggers report to be) the actions of other women in our community should not be held up as cautionary examples for the world to see.
In conclusion, I think this post should be removed.
I do not plan to take my blog down. I feel that it is about my life as a member of the LGBT community at Duke. If we censor the blog so that only "good" stuff is written on it about our experiences, that will only serve to misrepresent the reality of our situations and our humanity- which is what I thought we were trying to demonstrate. And in fact, people may not want to read it b/c it may come off as too "fake" or contrived. The blog will ineveitable fail if people feel they can't say what they want.
ReplyDeleteIf the blog is not the place to say these things, what is? There is a massive, unexcusable silence and avoidance on this campus of REAL issues, and I'm not going to contribute to it. If anything, straight people, allies, and other community members will probably be able to relate to the post considering how often this stuff happens in every community. Furthermore, I do not feel I need to be BLAMED for being honest about my experiences. Truthfully, I think the types of backlashes I am getting in response to this are what serve to silence the many men and women on this campus and elsewhere when it comes to 'uncomfortable' situations, especially sexual assalut-- (i.e "Shhh... you'll ruin his/her reputation... Don't you know you might get him/her in trouble?")
The situation I wrote about is really not serious enough to merit judicial action, does not qualify as an imminent threat or assault, but what if it was? Should I be quiet and try to 'save' someone from reaping the rightful consequences of their actions?
I have also received comments that this post perpetuates the "predatory lesbian" stereotype. My response to that is: It is not my fault if people fall into stereotyping lesbians or anyone else-- I didn't say all lesbians are predatory, and in fact I said I was surprised... It is not our job to control what readers of the blog think- in fact, that's impossible- instead, we can only offer our accounts and opinions. If I were robbed by a Black male Durhamite, should I not report it to the police or talk about it on campus because it would further stereotypes? My point here is that we cannot deny reality, and mature people should be able to take my experience as just that- an experience- and not some overarching blanket statement that all lesbains are predatory or all Black men in Durham are robbers.
The person I wrote about has just as much freedom as me to post on the blog, and she can do so if she wishes. Her staying silent doesn't implicate guilt-- it can implicate that the truth is too complicated to articulate, that she thinks the story is so far off it doesn't deserve a response, or that she has better things to do with her time.
I'm not denying that there are two sides to the story. In reality, the story is much more complicated, and what I wrote on the blog DOES NOT reflect my current thinking/feeling on the situation. I simply wanted to share the reaction I initially had to what she said, along with the things it made me think about. It really did raise some issues for me that I'd never thought about before. My post was not meant to be a personal attack.
I haven't talked to any students about the situation, so in reality anyone who "knows" whats going on is speculating unless they've heard it from her.
As evidenced by a focus on the emotions and thoughts of the author, the post was clearly not written to be incendiary; it seems likely that if it were possible for Passionista to write her story without mention of another party, she would have. But that's not really an option here, and I'm glad she didn't keep her mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteThe main question I would ask, why is silence better than airing one reaction to a set of events? Isn't that the logic behind staying in the closet? So that we don't have to hear about something lawless or disorderly, something upsetting?
Further, would there be a problem if you didn't know either of these parties? I ask you to read this story as if it were written by someone who you haven't met, about two people you haven't met. Then decide what the point of the essay is. You'll come to the conclusion that it's about manifestations of internalized gender expectations, and their dissonance with personal identity and subscription to postmodern theory. It's not at all an indictment, on any level.
Thank you; I really appreciate your comment and the questions/challenges you're posing :)
ReplyDeleteSilence never helped anyone.
Im with you too passionista. Im surprised someone questioned the appropriateness of this blog.
ReplyDeleteI had been attracted to my best friend for YEARS and he is straight. He has always had girlfriends and he knew about my attraction. Let me say it was one of the hardest things for me to go through. But yea... reading what happened I imagined me saying what was said to you... and that would be very hard on our friendship. I ended up realizing that truly wanting the best for a person may not be with me.
Im glad you shared this, it shows a very real situation that is SOOOO hard to deal with.
Thanks- I'm glad you liked it. :-D
ReplyDelete