The First Steps

You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind.

I've written so many drafts to this first entry, and I know I shouldn't be but I'm afraid right now. Blogging is a new thing for me and I am uneasy sharing my life with the rest of the world or at least those of you who are reading this. You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind. I know that some of you readers may know who I am and I'm ok with that. That's a big step for me, being ok with other people knowing the real me. It's also a new step.

So many things have happened over the past semester that have changed me - I don't know if it's for the better or worse. If you knew me at the beginning of summer or even at the end of it, you wouldn't believe that it's me who is writing this. I can't really begin to describe it, but once I took the initiative to try being out, everything happened all at once. For me that first step was going into the Welcome Reception hosted by the Center for LGBT Life, and let me mislead no one here, just walking into the Center took all my courage. A part of it is that I was afraid that people would see me walk into the Center. Don't lie, you know that when you're walking on the BC Plaza and you see someone on the ground level walking towards the Center, you turn your head to check out who it is. I know I still do. But a larger part of my fear was that I didn't know what to expect. Yea it was a welcome reception but what does that actually mean for the LGBT community? I'll have to admit, I expected to walk in there and be greeted with open arms and a bunch of hugs. It wasn't like that. When I walked into that building, there was no one there at the front desk, no one to greet me or guide me onto what to do. I thought what the hell did I just do, did I potentially out myself for this nonsense? Blocking those thoughts out - for reasons that I'll eventually feel comfortable sharing - I stayed and talked to some people. There were a lot of people there but I only talked to a some and I remember the names of even fewer. I stayed for about maybe an hour making small talk and shooting the breeze with people, felt bored, and then left. It wasn't the experience that I expected and I can't say that I wasn't disappointed, but I'm glad that I did it.

I just felt a sense of belonging in that room of people that I didn't know. Though I won't exaggerate and say that I felt an immediate sense of community, I did feel more relaxed; I didn't have to make sure that I avoided non-masculine subjects or watched my body language, less someone thinks that I'm flamboyant (I so am by the way). So after that I went to some of the other events hosted by the Center like the Fabulous Fridays and Blue Devils United meetings. It was hard at first going into the Center to attend these events. I'm pretty sure that one of the things that people will remember me for is my extreme lateness; you know 5 minutes, 15 minutes, half an hour, an entire hour sometimes… The truth is that it was scary going into the Center even after a couple of times. I didn't know who else would be in there, I didn't know what to do/act/say. The whole thing just made me really self-conscious. It's gotten easier over the course of the semester and now I can comfortably walk in anytime but it has definitely been a process.

So I realize that I'm just rambling now and I didn't cover a lot of ground in this entry. It's not even very personal so let me apologize for failing to meet the expectations of this blog. Looking back on what I've written, I didn't realize that this was how I felt about things. Putting everything into words and grammatically incorrect sentences is somewhat self-enlightening so I'll continue blogging. Thanks for reading.