Two more anonymous contributions (2 of 2):
Warning: This is a long post, and I apologize if it rambles. I wrote this in a hurry, and my thoughts tend to wander. Please note that I primarily confined my thoughts to the Center for LGBT Life, as it would be much too large a task to attempt to address gay life at Duke as a whole. I suspect many people will have differing opinions on my views, and comments are of course welcome.
I studied abroad last summer and fall (’07), which turned out to an eye-opening experience. Upon my return to Duke, I promised myself that I would visit the LGBT Center as soon as possible. I had been by it before, of course, but I had never actually been inside. Noticing the fliers that my RA (a member of Duke Allies) had put up, I decided that going to a Fab Friday would probably be the best way to ease myself into gay life at Duke. After I had worked up the nerve to enter the Center (which sadly took some time), I went inside and found a welcoming group of people. I have to admit that apples-to-apples and twister was not exactly what I had been expecting, and I loved my first visit to the Center. Although I still had my reservations, I gradually warmed up to the Center and the people there. To someone still closeted and pretty unknowledgeable about LGBT life, the Center felt like a comforting and safe haven. I came out at school almost immediately afterwards, and my confidence in who I was grew by leaps and bounds over the course of the semester.
I chose to wait until summer to break the news to my mom in person. She did not take it at all well, unfortunately, and cried for days. There were the usual accusations of peer pressure and “you just haven’t found the right girl yet,” but fortunately I had learned enough about myself over the course of the spring semester to be able to firmly quash those hopeful but futile claims. In many ways, the Center facilitated my coming out, and I’ll probably always be enormously grateful for that.
I don’t think the Center is perfect, however. There are a few areas in which I think it could improve. Atmosphere- At one of the Fab Fridays earlier this semester, a sorority sister tagged along with a friend to see what the Center was like. I could tell she was ill at ease, so I walked up to her and introduced myself (people who know me know I rarely do this). She introduced herself and then hesitantly added, “People here are awfully cliquish, aren’t they?” She had a point. The Center can get very cliquish. As a newcomer last year, it took me some time to get used to how things worked, and it took even more time before I really felt comfortable at the Center. Sadly, some people never feel comfortable or welcome and consequently avoid the Center entirely. This cliquishness is exacerbated by the rampant gossip in the LGBT community. Even living on the fringe of the community as I do, I have heard far more gossip than I cared to know, much of it superficial and inaccurate.
Activism- Blue Devils United was founded last year with three committees (activism, outreach, and social). While the suggestions made for the group were perhaps overly ambitious, the enthusiasm was constructive. One of the aims for the outreach committee was to reach out to local high schools and encourage the creation of GSAs, for example. One year later, BDU has little to show for its efforts. Lavender Ball was a success, of course, and NC Pride and Coming Out Day went well. Blue Devils United, however, had no integral part in any of those events. Perhaps the most significant event encouraged by BDU was the rally in Raleigh against Proposition 8. With the changing of leadership in BDU and the group’s subsequent restructuring, outreach and activism seem to have fallen by the wayside. The primary focus of the group has been on social events like Lavender Ball and the drag show. The upcoming Proposition 8 protest is an exception, but that is a mere copying of activism at Princeton. What does it say about our community when we have to look elsewhere instead of taking the lead? The Anti-Bullying Bill letter writing is an example of good activism, but that’s sponsored by the LGBT Center rather than BDU. There is a great deal that LGBT activists could do at Duke. Thursday marks the one year anniversary of the murder of Lawrence King, whose death will sadly go unnoted at Duke this year. A temporary display and memorial set up around the James Duke statue would be appropriate. Another thing to work on would be co-ed dorm rooms; Duke students are not allowed to room with members of the opposite sex. The two hundred year old cohabitation law in North Carolina was first challenged three years ago by the ACLU. LGBT activism requires baby steps, and it is perhaps more reasonable to start with being able to room with whomever one wants before moving to being able to marry whomever one wants. This lobbying could be jointly organized with GLBTSA at UNC Chapel Hill; after all, many members of the two LGBT communities mingle quite nicely at STIR.
Attendance- Fab Fridays have been well-attended this year, sometimes with over fifty attendees. While this is a wonderful thing, one wonders where those fifty students are on Wednesday nights, when BDU meetings often have a dozen students at the most (usually the same ones). Bringing Gene Robinson to Duke was one of the most impressive things it has done, but his presentation had a depressingly low turnout. Most of my criticism about activism has been an unavoidable result of low attendance; it is extremely difficult to set up events without a critical mass of people. The Center is lacking in allies, despite the excellent ally training sessions, and a male ally who shows up to events is the proverbial needle in a haystack. Visibility is key for attracting members and hosting successful events. As just one suggestion, Blue Devils United should have had a booth at the spring activities fair last Monday.
In summation, I think the Center for LGBT life is a wonderful resource for students. Students questioning their sexuality, as I did last year, will undoubtedly find the Center a safe place to learn more about themselves and explore their curiosity. The Center should be commended for its efforts in reaching out to students, including starting a new women’s group and holding biweekly meetings for LGBT or questing students. Rather than bask on these successes, however, we should continue to improve. There’s always room for improvement.
Friday, February 20, 2009
My Take on Duke
Monday, January 19, 2009
Tough revealing sexual orientation to family
One of my biggest fears in coming out to my family members is that by telling them, I'm acknowledging myself as a sexual being. I'm not okay with that yet and I know that it's something that I need to work on within myself. This is who I am and I can't change what some people will think. How beautiful a life will be in which I am accepting and loving of every part of my identity. And that it is a joy, a good thing that I am sharing when I come out to my family.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Meeting People
Two more anonymous contributions (first one):
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Coming Out: Think about it.
Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center.
So as people who have read this blog have seen, there are many types of people who are out at Duke. There are people in fraternities, sports-teams, activists, RAs, TAs, etc. Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center. It's there if you want to take advantage of the great programming, but for some people being out at Duke involves a closer group of friends who like to do similiar things. And for others, it has more to do with being honest with your straight friends.
This thread is for you. What are some of your concerns about coming out at Duke? What are you curious or concerned about? I think the blog is suppose to represent these things, but sometimes direct questions can focus the conversation more.
I'll say for those of you who have developed a life at Duke you don't want to let go of, then I wouldn't be too concerned. Remember that you go to Duke. And although some people would say otherwise, in comparison to the rest of the country(even world), the students who go to Duke are usually very accepting and surprisingly encouraging. Even my friends who are staunch Republicans still reach out to me all the time like they did before I came out. Being honest with them usually strengthens your relationship by removing some of the ambiguity and making you more confident about yourself.
Are you nervous about not being able to do well profesionally? Businesses don't care. Honestly, there is a great conference hosted each year in New York called the "Out for Undergraduate Business Conference." If you sign up, they usually pay for you to fly up and stay a night in New York and meet people from all types of financial-service and consulting firms, and they put you in touch with other companies. While it's different in some areas of the country, it has become almost unprofessional to be homophobic in cities like New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, etc. And most companies like JPMorgan, BCG, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey etc. have strong networks where they focus on helping you find a position and developing your career once you're there.
So if you're curious about anything, go ahead and ask. If you do, you might get a response. And if you don't, then you may never get another opportunity to find out.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Out and Happy at Duke
Edited/Clarified: Duke isn't perfect, but neither is any college. I am overwhelmingly satisfied that I came here, despite the challenges I have faced (academically, socially, and "gay" related). I am in a relationship, I am gay, I am a senior, I am a Dukie, I am me, and I am happy.
Edits in Black
Seeing so much negativity in the posts here and on the Me Too Blog, I often wonder what I am doing different that makes me feel different, and I realize that it isn't that I have done anything different, but I think that my perspective may be different. I admit that I have been at Duke for a while now, and am ready to get out of here, but it is not because of the negative experiences I have had here. I'm just ready to move on and take the next step. I am HAPPY at Duke and couldn't see myself anywhere else, despite the issues I have been confronted with.
I have taken interesting courses with professors who for the most part care about their students. I have had great groups of friends who have supported me and embraced me when I came out to them my freshman year. Being out on campus for about two and a half years now has not been a bad experience, but has, in fact, been the best adventure of my life. I have felt free at Duke to be myself for the most part (maybe censored as I walk by frat sections, but its just like living in Durham, you learn what is safe and what is not). The Center for LGBT Life gave me a place to spend time and meet people, and I learned a few things there. I learned that not all gays and lesbians fit the stereotypes that have been built up about us, and I learned that the LGBT students who visit the Center come from all walks of life and that it is much harder to label someone than I previously thought. I was scared to come to the LGBT Center my freshman year, but I don't think I would be as happy and as comfortable a person today if it hadn't been for that short walk almost three years ago.
I admit that I am not wholely committed to the "gay scene" at Duke, and I therefore don't know what drama does happen. However, maybe that is a testament to the fact that not everyone has to fit some mold to be gay at Duke. You can be who you are while taking advantage of the resources that are available to you so that you feel comfortable. I still encourage everyone to come out and be honest with yourself, your family, and your friends. But it is not necessary to become an active member of the LGBT Center (although it is there for you if you want it) to be out at Duke.
Duke isn't perfect, but neither is any college. I am overwhelmingly satisfied that I came here, despite the few challenges I have faced (academically, socially, and "gay" related). I am in a relationship, I am gay, I am a senior, I am a Dukie, I am me, and I am happy. You can be all of these and more at Duke. I just think that although we concentrate on the bad things while we are here, it will be the good things that happen that will shape our futures and shape our views of Duke after we have left.
My perspective is that of an out senior who now is thinking back on his years as an LGBT student at Duke. At times I have been negative about Duke and about situations I have experienced. I have been stared at, made fun of, insulted, and confronted by a Duke staff member about my sexuality, and those were all bad experiences. However, I don't dwell on those things and although I definitely see the benefit in expressing them on this blog, I would hope that we can also express the positive experiences we have had at Duke. Those are the times we will remember most, and those are the times that I do remember most as I realize that my time here is limited and coming to an end.
If this came across as a pompous disply of some sort of "superiority," it wasn't meant that way. I only wanted to give those reading this blog a chance to see the positives that I don't think have been expressed up to this point. Duke is, overall, a great place to be whether or not you are gay. If it was that bad and made us that unhappy, why would we stay here?
Thank You,
"michael"
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Beginnings
How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began?
Seeing as people seem to have thoughtful and pertinent titles to these blogs so far, I thought I'd continue the trend. I find the idea of "beginning" troubling and exciting at the same time. How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began? Beginnings are so sly and stealthy that way, sneaking into our lives and altering them forever before we're even aware that anything has changed. That's kind of what it felt like coming out to myself, trying to figure out when I'd started thinking about other girls that way, when things had changed. The process of coming to terms with my sexuality was slow, hesitant, and if nothing else, reliably confusing. But I don't really want to talk about that right now, because this is a blog about us at Duke. And unlike the process of coming to terms with myself, my life at Duke, my queer life, had a very tangible beginning. It began with a flyer. I don't remember where I saw it, but I do remember looking over the list of events planned for the LGBT Center, seeing the Chocolate Fountain freshman Welcome event, and knowing that I had to go. Knowing that I had to go, and actually getting up the courage to go were two completely different things. I was in a new school, with new people, none of whom I had ever met before, and I was just trying to settle in. Trying to also deal with my struggle to find a comfortability with my lesbian identity on top of everything else was daunting and frightening. I wasn't out to anyone at home, and I certainly didn't know anyone at Duke yet that I would entrust with such important knowledge about my personal identity. Being a bit shy and introverted around those I don't know well anyways, my sexuality was hardly going to become a topic of conversation anytime soon. And as I walked across the lawn to the Marketplace that evening, I remember getting just within reach of the stairs and almost turning around and going back to my dorm, with a handy lie about the library on my tongue to explain my excursion. But, chastising myself for being so concerned with what anyone would think of me, I entered Trinity Cafe, dove for a drink, quickly introduced myself to a few people, grabbed a flyer announcing future events, and bolted. It wasn't much, but it was a start.
The First Steps
You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind.
I've written so many drafts to this first entry, and I know I shouldn't be but I'm afraid right now. Blogging is a new thing for me and I am uneasy sharing my life with the rest of the world or at least those of you who are reading this. You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind. I know that some of you readers may know who I am and I'm ok with that. That's a big step for me, being ok with other people knowing the real me. It's also a new step.
So many things have happened over the past semester that have changed me - I don't know if it's for the better or worse. If you knew me at the beginning of summer or even at the end of it, you wouldn't believe that it's me who is writing this. I can't really begin to describe it, but once I took the initiative to try being out, everything happened all at once. For me that first step was going into the Welcome Reception hosted by the Center for LGBT Life, and let me mislead no one here, just walking into the Center took all my courage. A part of it is that I was afraid that people would see me walk into the Center. Don't lie, you know that when you're walking on the BC Plaza and you see someone on the ground level walking towards the Center, you turn your head to check out who it is. I know I still do. But a larger part of my fear was that I didn't know what to expect. Yea it was a welcome reception but what does that actually mean for the LGBT community? I'll have to admit, I expected to walk in there and be greeted with open arms and a bunch of hugs. It wasn't like that. When I walked into that building, there was no one there at the front desk, no one to greet me or guide me onto what to do. I thought what the hell did I just do, did I potentially out myself for this nonsense? Blocking those thoughts out - for reasons that I'll eventually feel comfortable sharing - I stayed and talked to some people. There were a lot of people there but I only talked to a some and I remember the names of even fewer. I stayed for about maybe an hour making small talk and shooting the breeze with people, felt bored, and then left. It wasn't the experience that I expected and I can't say that I wasn't disappointed, but I'm glad that I did it.
I just felt a sense of belonging in that room of people that I didn't know. Though I won't exaggerate and say that I felt an immediate sense of community, I did feel more relaxed; I didn't have to make sure that I avoided non-masculine subjects or watched my body language, less someone thinks that I'm flamboyant (I so am by the way). So after that I went to some of the other events hosted by the Center like the Fabulous Fridays and Blue Devils United meetings. It was hard at first going into the Center to attend these events. I'm pretty sure that one of the things that people will remember me for is my extreme lateness; you know 5 minutes, 15 minutes, half an hour, an entire hour sometimes… The truth is that it was scary going into the Center even after a couple of times. I didn't know who else would be in there, I didn't know what to do/act/say. The whole thing just made me really self-conscious. It's gotten easier over the course of the semester and now I can comfortably walk in anytime but it has definitely been a process.
So I realize that I'm just rambling now and I didn't cover a lot of ground in this entry. It's not even very personal so let me apologize for failing to meet the expectations of this blog. Looking back on what I've written, I didn't realize that this was how I felt about things. Putting everything into words and grammatically incorrect sentences is somewhat self-enlightening so I'll continue blogging. Thanks for reading.