Thoughts of a Senior

Anonymous contribution:

But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either.

London is, without a doubt, one of the best cities I have had the pleasure of visiting. And despite having firm loyalties to New York, I'd have to admit that my experiences in the UK were far better than those I've had in NYC. Of course, it helped that Obama won the elections, so much so that his victory eventually became a part of my pick-up lines: "So...you know I voted for Obama, don't you? Oh yeah...he's my brotha' from anotha' motha'..." - kissing and over the clothes fondling quickly ensuing, of course.

But jokes aside, my time in London has led to considerable self-reflection, particularly as regards my final semester at Duke, a semester which I'd prefer to skip all together. That's right: I count myself amongst those 'angry' gays who hold a deep-seated resentment towards the university. I'll make no mention of the conservative roommate I had freshmen year ('Parking for Republicans Only, All Others Will Be Bush Whacked' read one memorable poster), nor of the homophobic comments my gay roommate and I received on our door sophomore year - these things are neither here nor there. 

Rather, it'd be far more impressionable to relate how I view the Duke gay community as it exists today. That is, a gay student body too afraid to make itself visible on a campus that very clearly needs to learn the true meaning of both 'acceptance' and 'tolerance.' There have been posts suggesting that two men seen kissing or holding hands on our campus would garner no negative attention, for example, a suggestion which I find entirely laughable. If my wearing a collared shirt with too many buttons undone garners stares and titters, how the hell would people react to my displaying my affection for another man? And let me assure you, what I say is based in truth for, as one friend told me, "My boyfriend and I [seen holding hands in the Bryan Center] got so many dirty looks and laughs that we eventually had to leave." 

This, it shouldn't surprise you, occurred only a year ago. And yet you all would feign ignorance, insisting that only the "flamers" have such negative experiences, and rightfully so, considering they flaunt their homosexuality. My response: WAKE THE FU** UP! Realize that where one gay man is harassed, we're all harassed; where one couple is made to feel uncomfortable, we're all made to feel uncomfortable. Realize that an 'effeminate' gay man has just as much right to happiness as those gay men and women who are capable of 'passing' as heterosexuals. Arguing that the LGBT should somehow 'be seen and not heard' is simply internalized homophobia, for it implies that we are inherently wrong in demanding the very same freedoms (to love) as our heterosexual equals. 

If, at this moment, I were asked to evaluate our (small) community on its visibility, I'd be forced to give it a 4/10 (a score which would be even lower if not for the success of the Love=Love T-shirts). This is for two reasons: 1) we lack genuine unity, with straight-acting gay men feeling somehow superior to the more effeminate gay men for having the capacity to blend in, and 2) our contentment in being all-together silent on campus. As regards the latter: we, like the vast majority of Duke students (besides those in SHARE, perhaps), are afraid to operate outside of the norm. This includes how we dress, how we speak, and, most importantly, our sexuality. 

But within this weakness, I think, is our greatest strength. That is, we can do something which very many Duke students can't bring themselves to do: we can be ourselves. Simple, isn't it? But it's something which we DON'T do when we refuse to, say, hold the hand of a boyfriend or girlfriend; refuse to wear something because it's simply 'too gay;' or degrade openly gay students for being such 'flamers.' It's something which I, too, have failed to do in my time at Duke, and which I hope to change upon returning. If that means wearing those skinny jeans hidden away in the back of my closet, then so be it - gay men and women have done far more than restrict their breathing in securing acceptance... 

I doubt that things will change in a semester and, honestly, I shouldn't care considering I'll be escaping to the oh-so-gay-friendly Northeast. But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either. And so, I'll end where I started, with Obama; who promised us not just hope, but CHANGE. Let us do that for our own campus, then - with a little over the clothes fondling thrown in for the hell of it.

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Is there anybody out there?

So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.

So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.

And I'll agree, it is probably more challenging to be queer and out than to be a breeder on campus.

But why? What is it about Duke that makes it so hard to be out? It could be, like you're possibly thinking, that it's a history of heteronormativity established in a specific time and place. Perhaps it could be that we're in the 'South' (I use the term loosely because this isn't a very Southern school). And just maybe, it could be that straight people don't want to think about being queer, and since they don't we're left in the cold, alone.

These things are probably all true, not of all people and not all the time, but true nonetheless.

What the fuck are you doing to live your own life? Yeah it's tough, I know just as well as you do. Get over it. How the fuck are things going to change if you sit around, dressed in your polo shirts, hiding, pitying yourself? Where is the spirit of rebelliousness? Where is the unique individual inside of you actually coming out? Do something, goddammit!

Is there anybody out there? Because I don't see you standing out in the crowd. I don't see you holding hands with your partner. I don't see you dancing with them in public. I don't see you.

As a matter of fact, the gay scene I've come to know at Duke isn't much of a gay scene at all. Where are the club kids, the radical queers, the flamboyant, gay as all hell, fags? I love you, and I don't see you either.

I want you to do something. Fuck, fight, yell, cry, love, ecstasy, anything. Just do something. If you want to talk about lonely, lonely are those of us who are martyrs for all of you hiding in the shadows. Lonely is being that one kid who has the integrity and will to do something different on this damn campus.

I don't see you. Stop using difficulty as an excuse, do something. It will be a lot easier for everyone if we all do.

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"Why do Gay People...?"

I have been asked more than once about why gay people have things like pride parades and why they feel the need to flaunt their sexuality or educate others on how to interact with the LGBT population.

I have been asked more than once about why gay people have things like pride parades and why they feel the need to flaunt their sexuality or educate others on how to interact with the LGBT population. These are questions not easily asked nor easily answered, but I want to try my best to say what I think about them. The length of these answers is what it is, but I encourage you to read them and think.

1. When it comes to events like Pride (which may be defined as the state or feeling of being proud, which is defined as having or showing self-respect or self-esteem), the goal is not to display superiority, but to assert our right to have the same “self-respect” everyone else is allowed to possess. As an individual in a group that is consistently marginalized and belittled by members of my community and the government that runs my city, state, and country, my Pride stems from my assertion that I have a right to “self-respect and self-esteem.” I will continue (and we will continue) to demonstrate Pride until our country gives us the same rights that others take for granted. It can be compared to the various other civil rights issues that the United States has overcome in the last hundred or so years. Women marched and displayed their Pride to gain the right to vote and the right to equal pay and the African American population protested, marched, and spoke out to display their pride to gain equality as citizens. I admit, that we still have to work on those issues, but we have come a long way and the legal inequities no longer exist. When those legal inequities disappeared, so did the protests and the marches. Pride did not need to be displayed because the government had given these marginalized groups “self-respect” under the law. In the same way, Gay Pride must exist if we are ever to demonstrate that we are not happy with are marginalized positions in society and wish to be treated equally under the law.

2. I sometimes hear people comment on “why gays feel the need to flaunt their sexuality all the time?” That comment often leaves me speechless, as I wonder what they are talking about. Is it flaunting my sexuality to hold my boyfriend’s hand while we walk? I see how many straight couples doing that on a daily basis? Is it flaunting sexuality when gay characters kiss on television? I see straight couples kissing numerous times on television shows and in my daily life. People comment when a gay man wears “effeminate” clothing, but is it not also “flaunting” your sexuality when anyone wears clothes that reveal their body to the world or when someone wears clothes that somehow assert their heterosexuality? The point is, I see straight people “flaunting” their sexuality every day. The problem that people have with seeing a gay or lesbian person express themselves similarly is that for some reason their thoughts go straight to what that person does is the bedroom. I don’t see a straight couple and immediately picture them having sex, they may do it, but why is that my business and why would I think about it? Why does your mind go straight to sex when it should just move on and realize that these two people share the same love that you and your partner(s) share? I keep my mind out of the gutter, and you should too.

3. Finally, I have heard remarks from people asking why we need to learn about LGBT people and be sensitized to their lives. My answer to this stems from my first two answers. Every day is Straight Pride day in my book. Every day I see straight couple holding hands. Every day I see straight people kiss. Every day a professor or classmate makes assumption in his or her speech that implies that everyone is heterosexual. Every day I am confronted with and forced to understand and live in a heterosexual world that not only won’t accommodate me, but also often times prohibits me from finding my way in a straight world. So, when those “gays” announce their sexuality “from the housetops” it is not really what they are doing, it is just us standing out because we are not conforming to this heterocentric culture that we live in. Straight people declare their heterosexuality continuously, while I have to constantly consider my surroundings and make sure it is safe for my boyfriend and I to hold hands. The trainings and things that are offered to everyone exist to make it so this is not the case, so that being gay is not sensationalized, and we can hold hands in public without fear of harassment and assault or being called out for “flaunting our sexuality.”

Thank you for your time and I hope that you were able to take something away from it. Feel free to comment, but please remain civil.

“Michael”

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Learning to Say...

Why did I say that? I'm certainly neither shy nor ashamed about my participation in BDU... or about my sexual orientation, for that matter. So why censor myself in this PARTICULAR forum, when I'm comfortable with having my photo posted next to my name on our website for the whole internet to see?

Hey, all. While I'm no stranger to the internet, I'll admit that this is my first experience with "blogging," per se, and I'm not entirely sure I'm "doing it right." I wasn't even really sure I would have anything to write for this first post... but life often throws the unexpected at you, so here I am, in the very thick of my final papers and projects and assignments, having enough trouble just finding time to breathe. In spite of all that, I found myself on the phone yesterday with a fantastically pleasant woman recently employed to write for my high school's alumni magazine. Apparently, they frequently run features on young alums "in the field," and my name came up. We were chatting about my job, and my classes, and my extracurricular involvement, and she asked if there was any other topic I thought she should cover for the interview. I paused a moment, and realized what I had unintentionally omitted from our conversation - "I was recently elected to a position in Blue Devils United, the student leadership organization for LGBTs and allies at Duke... but I'm not sure you can put that in your article..."

Why did I say that? I'm certainly neither shy nor ashamed about my participation in BDU... or about my sexual orientation, for that matter. So why censor myself in this PARTICULAR forum, when I'm comfortable with having my photo posted next to my name on our website for the whole internet to see? Maybe I just didn't want to cause any waves. My school would never allow information like that to be published in their magazine; there's the "image" the institution has to maintain, after all. I think, more accurately, that I'm tired of hearing "No." "No, you may not sponsor a GSA." "No, you may not wear a dress to the prom." "We have a scholarly and professional atmosphere at this institution, and the way you dress and behave have to preserve that atmosphere."

So much of adolescence is about learning to take the "no"s. You feel like you can escape them if only you get out of your parents' house, if only you get out of your small town school, if only you can get to COLLEGE. But the "no"s are still there, lurking out of sight in the shadows, waiting to strike when you least expect them...

I reviewed the draft of the article this morning. My recent appointment was tactfully avoided. In "choosing my battles," am I just learning to say "no"?

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Beginnings

How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began?

Seeing as people seem to have thoughtful and pertinent titles to these blogs so far, I thought I'd continue the trend.  I find the idea of "beginning" troubling and exciting at the same time.  How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began?  Beginnings are so sly and stealthy that way, sneaking into our lives and altering them forever before we're even aware that anything has changed.  That's kind of what it felt like coming out to myself, trying to figure out when I'd started thinking about other girls that way, when things had changed.  The process of coming to terms with my sexuality was slow, hesitant, and if nothing else, reliably confusing.  But I don't really want to talk about that right now, because this is a blog about us at Duke.  And unlike the process of coming to terms with myself, my life at Duke, my queer life, had a very tangible beginning.  It began with a flyer.  I don't remember where I saw it, but I do remember looking over the list of events planned for the LGBT Center, seeing the Chocolate Fountain freshman Welcome event, and knowing that I had to go.  Knowing that I had to go, and actually getting up the courage to go were two completely different things.  I was in a new school, with new people, none of whom I had ever met before, and I was just trying to settle in.  Trying to also deal with my struggle to find a comfortability with my lesbian identity on top of everything else was daunting and frightening.  I wasn't out to anyone at home, and I certainly didn't know anyone at Duke yet that I would entrust with such important knowledge about my personal identity.  Being a bit shy and introverted around those I don't know well anyways, my sexuality was hardly going to become a topic of conversation anytime soon.   And as I walked across the lawn to the Marketplace that evening, I remember getting just within reach of the stairs and almost turning around and going back to my dorm, with a handy lie about the library on my tongue to explain my excursion.  But, chastising myself for being so concerned with what anyone would think of me, I entered Trinity Cafe, dove for a drink, quickly introduced myself to a few people, grabbed a flyer announcing future events, and bolted.  It wasn't much, but it was a start.

After that, it took a long while before I even went to the Center.  This is not to say that I avoided all of the Center's events, but rather I avoided the Center itself like the plague, not really worried anymore that anyone would notice me going in, but more worried about what would greet me when I entered, whether I'd be judged, the what ifs.  Especially frightening was the thought that I wouldn't fit in at the Center either, leaving me without any space, no where to go.  And in a sense, my fears were not completely unfounded.  Before I had even seriously considered engaging the Center's LGBT community, I had been warned of the unfortunately lacking nature of the community with regards to gay women.  I had hardly had the courage to go the the Welcome Reception, and I had no desire whatsoever to be the token lesbian, the odd one out at the Center, should I choose to go. I was frightened that within the ostracized community, I would be ostracized.  And so, I didn't go to the Center until the very end of my freshman year, not until I had finally met someone already involved in the LGBT community and who offered to accompany me to events as moral support.

Part of my motivation to contribute to this blog is not only to allow a portal for understanding the lives and struggles of queer students on Duke campus, but also to create visibility, especially a greater visibility for queer women on Duke campus.  I know that, had there been a blog like this my freshman year, I would have eagerly read it, glad for even the  smallest proof of a queer female identity functioning within the Duke undergraduate community.

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here and queer

I am a human being. I love like you love. I deserve to speak. I deserve to be a visible member of this campus. I deserve to have my administration visibly in support of my community. I deserve to say who I am. To speak my truth. I deserve to walk into the LGBT center without fear that other students will see me. I deserve to have a presence as an LGBT student. I am a human being.

So many ideas running through my mind for this upcoming year. In such a political time, there are so many open doors for us. I want to create an atmosphere for first year LGBT students that says: We as a campus and as an LGBT community are honored and excited to have you just as you are. I want future students to have a better first-year experience than I had--to feel at home sooner than I did. BDU can do this, can persistently work for this.

I look forward to reading this blog. It's scary to feel alone and I hope that sharing experiences and thoughts will alow for a safe place of community.

Silo is always open for questions :) so please don't hesitate to email me

<3 Silo

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