Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center.
So as people who have read this blog have seen, there are many types of people who are out at Duke. There are people in fraternities, sports-teams, activists, RAs, TAs, etc. Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center. It's there if you want to take advantage of the great programming, but for some people being out at Duke involves a closer group of friends who like to do similiar things. And for others, it has more to do with being honest with your straight friends.
This thread is for you. What are some of your concerns about coming out at Duke? What are you curious or concerned about? I think the blog is suppose to represent these things, but sometimes direct questions can focus the conversation more.
I'll say for those of you who have developed a life at Duke you don't want to let go of, then I wouldn't be too concerned. Remember that you go to Duke. And although some people would say otherwise, in comparison to the rest of the country(even world), the students who go to Duke are usually very accepting and surprisingly encouraging. Even my friends who are staunch Republicans still reach out to me all the time like they did before I came out. Being honest with them usually strengthens your relationship by removing some of the ambiguity and making you more confident about yourself.
Are you nervous about not being able to do well profesionally? Businesses don't care. Honestly, there is a great conference hosted each year in New York called the "Out for Undergraduate Business Conference." If you sign up, they usually pay for you to fly up and stay a night in New York and meet people from all types of financial-service and consulting firms, and they put you in touch with other companies. While it's different in some areas of the country, it has become almost unprofessional to be homophobic in cities like New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, etc. And most companies like JPMorgan, BCG, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey etc. have strong networks where they focus on helping you find a position and developing your career once you're there.
So if you're curious about anything, go ahead and ask. If you do, you might get a response. And if you don't, then you may never get another opportunity to find out.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
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A couple of my female friends know, but I really can't find the words to tell my best friend. I think he already knows, but I don't want things to change between us. When did you tell your best friend? How did it come up?
ReplyDeleteThere isn't any right way to tell your friend so everyone has a different story to tell you. My first coming out experiences to my close friends were -in one word- awesome.
ReplyDeleteFor my first best friend (she is a girl), I was over her house and I asked to talk to her in her room. I sat down on her bed and just started talking about how I had been feeling for the past couple weeks. I always find it important to give whoever you are telling an emotional context so that they understand why you are coming out to them. It also really really REALLY helps if you don't look them in the eyes. Both of you need some veil of emotional privacy.
So I beat around the bush for about 15 minutes, basically tell her I was gay without using the word gay. Then I just said "you know, there isn't an easy way to say this but I'm gay". Then I was scared and didn't know what to do. She breathed a sigh of relief and said she had always suspected. Then we talked about guys we liked.
For my second best friend, he's a guy and my closest friend, I did it over the phone. He had already heard through the grapevine and I called him and personally told him. I think close friends deserve that level of communication and courtesy. Again I beat around the bush for a while and then flat out said it. There was a bit of a pause and he said it was cool. We changed the topic of conversation into something else because I didn't think he knew how to react or what really to say. It was awkward between us for a couple days. He needed the time to reflect and understand but after that, we grew closer than ever. I talk to him about guys that I like too.
I don't have any profound lessons but I have realized a couple things about coming out. Most of the time it will be awkward but it does get less awkward the more times you do it. You can't really wait for the right situation to tell someone -I've tried this and waited months- because sexuality rarely comes up in a conversation if you haven't come out yet. I just find a time when I have the other person's attention and do it. I feel that you really have to be comfortable with yourself before you can take the initiative to come out.
I also find that people are generally supportive of you when you entrust something this personal to them. It may take a couple of (awkward) days but people will come around because they are your friends and know that you are more than your sexuality. My relationship with each of my friends has changed after I came out to them but it has always been for the better.
Everything being said, these have been my experiences and other people have had different ones and drew different insights. Coming out is a big step in your life and you shouldn't do it because other people tell you to. Only do it when you feel safe and comfortable.
The first people I told, or rather actually came out to (other than people who saw me go to things at the Center), were my two best friends back home (both girls). It was Christmas break, and I planned from the beginning, that by the end of break, I would be out to them. I felt a need to get started getting out, because being completely closeted just wasn't comfortable. So I freaked out the whole break about when to tell them. I even asked them "If you were going to hear important news, not necessarily BAD news, but just news, would you want it before something exciting, to get it out of the way? Or afterwards, so that the exciting thing wasn't ruined?" (My birthday/Christmas is during break, and I was trying to decide whether to tell them before Christmas/my birthday and risk a strained/awkward holiday, or afterwards, which would mean cutting it close to when we were leaving and not giving them too much chance to process before we left).
ReplyDeleteAnyways, as the end of break neared (within the last days actually) I finally just thought, "enough, I have to do it NOW". So we went out for coffee, and I tried to use some pointers I'd been given about coming out, like:
Have food for them. That way, if it's awkward, they can eat instead of sit awkwardly.
Unfortunately, I chickened out so badly that they had finished their coffees and I hadn't really broached the subject yet (although I had tried). They definitely knew something was up though, and a few times I thought they were going to ask me outright what I wanted to say. But they didn't and we started to leave, and as we were in the parking lot about to get into the car, I blurted out "WAIT!" and then I awkwardly, haltingly started. But it was taking forever, and then one of my friends said "Um, can we get into the car for this?" So we did, and I finally got out, "I'm gay". And then one of my friends said "I KNEW that's what you wanted to talk about ALL NIGHT!!" :) They were really supportive and amazing, and then, after a couple of minutes of reaffirming me and laughing about how awkward I had been they were like "actually, we have something we wanted to talk to you about tonight too..." And that's when they told me they'd been dating for almost six months on the sly!! I wasn't actually surprised, but I was really glad they trusted me with that fact before anyone else.
So, coming from the experience of coming out to and being come out to all in one, both for the first time on all sides, I have to say that while it's awkward and really hard (I was shaking like crazy I was so nervous), it was such a relief. And knowing that these two people who I love to pieces trusted me enough to tell me about their relationship meant a LOT to me, and I'm pretty sure that's how they felt too when I told them about me. All in all, it's brought us incredibly close, and I'm so grateful that I didn't let the opportunity to tell them pass by.
I agree that it gets easier as you go. I prefer just slipping into conversation something that irrefutably indicates that I'm gay (like mentioning to someone that I was talking to someone ELSE about what it's like to be gay, and then just continuing on like the person I'm talking to already knows I'm gay), but just the other day I was asked by a friend who didn't know I'm gay how I got into gay rights, and I said "well, you know, I have a lot of gay friends, and I mean, I'm gay, so..." and she was like "Oh, ok! So, do you know my friend So-and-so?...". No nerves, no warning, it just happened. And I hope it continues to be like that! (Still, if I have to plan to come out to someone, I'll still get nervous, but I know that usually it's unfounded because I KNOW my friends, and like Peter alluded to, at the end of the day they're your friends, and if they really love you, your sexuality won't change that).
My first coming out experience was to the person who "inspired" me to come out. Up until my time in college, being gay had just not been an option to me. I didn't know anyone who was gay. My hometown is small and conservative. My parents are republicans. It just didn't fit in with my upbringing, even though I knew that I was gay, I couldn't bring myself to accept or say it until college.
ReplyDeleteMy friend came out during the middle of our freshman year, and seeing his experience and realizing that being gay was not something to be ashamed about or to be scared of, I decided I would come out, and to him first. It was a stupid way to do it, but I made him guess my crush. Eventually, once all the girls had been guessed, he realized what I was trying to say and it was understood without me really having to say the word "gay."
In the coming days, it became easier. I told my friends in my dorm and was not afraid to use the word gay anymore. Much like "peter," I did not have any negative experiences when coming out to friends. Mostly they were happy that I was comfortable enough to tell them, some said they had already suspected, and others wanted to play the "who's hot and who's not game." So, your experience will vary from person to person based on their life experiences and their interactions with you.
If you think he already knows, that may be the case, but also as "peter" said, I think it is best to tell the people you care about yourself rather than just let it remain unsaid. They appreciate it and it leaves no room for ambiguity in the future. If you are ready for it, I see no issues in telling him. But take your time if you need it and don't feel pressured, it is all up to you.
Not sure if that helps? But I hope everything goes well.
"michael"
I came out to my best friend in 7th grade. I told him I was bi and he told me he was too. It turned out he was just worried that if he wasn't gay or bi then we wouldn't be as close as we had been. Honestly he's still my closest friend and coming out to him only made us closer. Hes straight and I'm not but it was interesting because it turned out he was more worried about things changing then I was.
ReplyDeleteI told more friends slowly but never did the whole sit down lets talk privately thing. Then my big final telling the world was honestly switching my interest status on Facebook. It worked wonders telling everyone all at once. You just had to be ready for people to awkwardly try to ask you about your change of status but not really want to be the one to say it. "Oh hey I saw your new profile pic on Facebook... yea and some posts... on Facebook... and uhh..." Then I'd just respond like yea I decided to come out, its not a mistake on there.
Overall I didn't have any overwhelming negative experience. All my friends were fine with it.
That's really funny that you say that "he was more worried about things changing then I was." Because my friends said the same thing to me: things better not change. I think that's what people think about most.
ReplyDeleteI told one of my best guy friends from home over break. I was worried about telling him, because he's probably one of my closest friends, and he's also the one I like doing a lot "guy stuff" with when we hang out. He's one of the more open minded people I know, but he's also one of the more conservative. I hesitated telling him because I didn't want things to change between us since we've known each other for so long. I'm cool with who I am, but I would say that my friendship with this guy has played into that almost as much as coming out has.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I told him non-nonchalantly as we were doing some Christmas shopping. He initially thought I was joking. I told him in the car though once we finished that I was being serious. He was taken back because he didn't expect it, and it had caught him more off guard than some of my other friends. But he then told me how much he appreciated me telling him, and that it meant a lot that I could confide something like that to him. He told me he honestly has no issue with it, and that it shouldn't change our friendship.
Twenty minutes after I got out of the car and went back to my house, he called me. Still taken back, he wanted to repeat how much he appreciated me telling him. He said it meant a lot that I trusted him like that.
Personally, I think it's easier to tell new people you're gay instead of the friends you've had for years. There's a certain risk attached to it. I would say when you're comfortable coming out to yourself, you're friends will be comfortable hearing it.