What's new this semester? What have you been up to? What do you want to be up to? What do you all want to see? Ideas? Suggestions? I am getting kinda bored...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Other Side of Rush
I'm entering the second full week of rush and it's been interesting to be on the other side of the rush process. Last year, I was the young freshman trying to balance schoolwork and other responsibilities with rushing, trying to impress the upperclassmen so they'd let me into their group. I tried to spruce myself up, dress well, be more outgoing than usual, you know, the usual things. But now I'm in and I have influence over which freshmen get in. I've noticed a couple of things.
I like people who stand out. This may seem obvious; no duh I don't notice the cookie cutters are the same as everyone else. It's more than that though, I want to hear about you, the things that you've done, the places that you've been, the books that you read, and the TV shows are guilty pleasures and the throwbacks from your childhood that you embarrassingly still watch. These are the quirky things that I like in a person, the ever important things that will make our conversations enjoyable and memorable enough to mention you to the other members. I want my rushees to be open and honest so I get to know you and like you.
It's harder for the LGBT community, especially freshmen. Trust me, I've been there and I had feelings of separation and misfit when the guys talked about hot girls, sports, or anything else that makes me so frustrated with heteronormative Duke. But now that I've been through that, I make sure that my conversations and demeanor around rushees are encouraging and inclusive. I, and I think other LGBTA upperclassmen, want to make the rushees feel comfortable because we know that it's hard and challenging. I give the out and possible LGBT rushees extra attention and help them meet the upperclassmen to make it easier for them.
Those are the things that I do on my side but I also require something of you. Please do not try to act like someone that you are not. I'm amazed at how shockingly easy it is to see through a façade. I can tell when rushees make up stories to seem more cool/popular/masculine than they actually are and it makes me lose respect for them. It's like a slap in the face when you front because what you really mean is that you don't trust me enough to be accepting and understanding. This doesn't apply to just LGBTA upperclassmen, I think anyone would be put off if you feel the compulsion to be fake.
I know that there is a conception that being LGBT will hurt your chances of getting in. Although I disagree with that, partially because I know that it isn't true for the groups that I'm familiar with and partially because I think that LGBT people are generally very interesting, the conception exists nonetheless. To unsure rushees who believe in that, ask yourself if you would be comfortable joining a group that isn't comfortable with you. Your decision essentially boils down to that.
Now I'm certainly not suggesting that you declare your sexuality aloud when you introduce yourself; I would rather first get to know who you are rather than your label. I'm also not suggesting that you do something that you're not comfortable doing but part of rush is exposing yourself and finding a real fit. Don't be afraid - to borrow a phrase from Common Ground - to lean into discomfort. I'll notice that and I'll appreciate it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Tough revealing sexual orientation to family
One of my biggest fears in coming out to my family members is that by telling them, I'm acknowledging myself as a sexual being. I'm not okay with that yet and I know that it's something that I need to work on within myself. This is who I am and I can't change what some people will think. How beautiful a life will be in which I am accepting and loving of every part of my identity. And that it is a joy, a good thing that I am sharing when I come out to my family.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Which Greek groups are most accepting of gays?
Greek rush is currently happening. 40% of Duke women and 35% of Duke men are Greek, but the gay community is significantly underrepresented in greek groups. I have gotten this question many, many times from freshman rushing. Which groups are the most and least accepting of gays and lesbians?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Change
Two more anonymous contributions (second one):
What do we need in this community to make real CHANGE, as one blogger said? Tell me concrete ways to increase visibility and we'll do it. Do we need a protest on the main quad? posters? Please let us know so we can make it happen. Let's stop complaining about a lack of visibility and brainstorm real ideas on how to change it.
Meeting People
Two more anonymous contributions (first one):
I have been gradually coming out to more and more people here at Duke, but I have really yet to find a place suited to me for meeting and hanging out with other gay guys (and girls). While I haven't been too actively exploring my options, I still have begun to get a little frustrated by what I know to be my available choices. I see guys talking on here about their great experiences at Duke, and in other posts they mention their boyfriends and bringing guys back to their rooms. This at least affirms that there are ways of meeting people at Duke. My question for everyone, however, is where have you personally met your LGBT friends and partners at Duke and in the more expansive Triangle community?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Is Age But a Number?
Another anonymous contribution:
So, we’ve all heard of couples where the two are more than fifteen years apart in age. It’s like taboo to marry, let alone date someone who is that much older than you. But in my previous few dates, the guys have been ten to eighteen years older than me but not because I’m not attractive enough to get guys my own age. I’ve had a serious relationship with a guy who was 21 years old as well as more than a few hook ups with attractive guys in my age range (20-23). There is just something in older guys that I find attractive, maybe its maturity or stability?
I guess this goes back to the question – what am I really looking for? I was recently speaking to a friend who told me that I’m 20 years old, I should be having fun and not to worry about a relationship until later on. Many friends have told me that. I know I want a relationship but what kind? Something serious? Something pretty short term? Or long term?
I’m a huge fan of security, stability, and predictability. Is this what older guys offer me? I guess I’m quick to judge younger gays as looking to mess around, to live for the moment, and people who are not into the entire commitment thing. It’s pretty bad that even as a gay male, I am quick to see my own young gay community as a bunch of guys who go and get with every other gay. Maybe that’s why I tend to go for older guys because I think they’re ready to settle down and therefore, more stable and more reliable as boyfriends. In addition to this, I am very attracted to their maturity as far as relationships and not to put myself on a pedestal, but I think that I am a bit more mature when it comes to relationships than many gay males my age. You might think well, they may be mature but that I would have no way in connecting with them on a social level at all. Wrong. Some of my best conversations have been with these older guys and I just really connected in ways with them that I have yet to encounter with the younger gay crowd.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have a standard of the older guys I’ve been with as far as appearance – I don’t do the balding, bad teeth, wrinkly skin kind of thing – but you’d be surprised how good some of them look and you wouldn’t even know they were in their 30s. If you knew me, you would know that I place a lot of emphasis on primary physical appearance but after that initial attraction, its all personality from there and most of these guys, not all, are still on my radar.
You may think I’m untraditional for continuing to date older men but there are so many reasons that I can’t verbalize. Just to let you all know, I’m always willing to give any guy a chance, subject to the fact that I’m attracted to them of course, but I have yet to find that younger gay guy who stimulates me both physically and mentally. If you’re out there, give me a shout haha.
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