Thoughts of a Senior

Anonymous contribution:

But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either.

London is, without a doubt, one of the best cities I have had the pleasure of visiting. And despite having firm loyalties to New York, I'd have to admit that my experiences in the UK were far better than those I've had in NYC. Of course, it helped that Obama won the elections, so much so that his victory eventually became a part of my pick-up lines: "So...you know I voted for Obama, don't you? Oh yeah...he's my brotha' from anotha' motha'..." - kissing and over the clothes fondling quickly ensuing, of course.

But jokes aside, my time in London has led to considerable self-reflection, particularly as regards my final semester at Duke, a semester which I'd prefer to skip all together. That's right: I count myself amongst those 'angry' gays who hold a deep-seated resentment towards the university. I'll make no mention of the conservative roommate I had freshmen year ('Parking for Republicans Only, All Others Will Be Bush Whacked' read one memorable poster), nor of the homophobic comments my gay roommate and I received on our door sophomore year - these things are neither here nor there. 

Rather, it'd be far more impressionable to relate how I view the Duke gay community as it exists today. That is, a gay student body too afraid to make itself visible on a campus that very clearly needs to learn the true meaning of both 'acceptance' and 'tolerance.' There have been posts suggesting that two men seen kissing or holding hands on our campus would garner no negative attention, for example, a suggestion which I find entirely laughable. If my wearing a collared shirt with too many buttons undone garners stares and titters, how the hell would people react to my displaying my affection for another man? And let me assure you, what I say is based in truth for, as one friend told me, "My boyfriend and I [seen holding hands in the Bryan Center] got so many dirty looks and laughs that we eventually had to leave." 

This, it shouldn't surprise you, occurred only a year ago. And yet you all would feign ignorance, insisting that only the "flamers" have such negative experiences, and rightfully so, considering they flaunt their homosexuality. My response: WAKE THE FU** UP! Realize that where one gay man is harassed, we're all harassed; where one couple is made to feel uncomfortable, we're all made to feel uncomfortable. Realize that an 'effeminate' gay man has just as much right to happiness as those gay men and women who are capable of 'passing' as heterosexuals. Arguing that the LGBT should somehow 'be seen and not heard' is simply internalized homophobia, for it implies that we are inherently wrong in demanding the very same freedoms (to love) as our heterosexual equals. 

If, at this moment, I were asked to evaluate our (small) community on its visibility, I'd be forced to give it a 4/10 (a score which would be even lower if not for the success of the Love=Love T-shirts). This is for two reasons: 1) we lack genuine unity, with straight-acting gay men feeling somehow superior to the more effeminate gay men for having the capacity to blend in, and 2) our contentment in being all-together silent on campus. As regards the latter: we, like the vast majority of Duke students (besides those in SHARE, perhaps), are afraid to operate outside of the norm. This includes how we dress, how we speak, and, most importantly, our sexuality. 

But within this weakness, I think, is our greatest strength. That is, we can do something which very many Duke students can't bring themselves to do: we can be ourselves. Simple, isn't it? But it's something which we DON'T do when we refuse to, say, hold the hand of a boyfriend or girlfriend; refuse to wear something because it's simply 'too gay;' or degrade openly gay students for being such 'flamers.' It's something which I, too, have failed to do in my time at Duke, and which I hope to change upon returning. If that means wearing those skinny jeans hidden away in the back of my closet, then so be it - gay men and women have done far more than restrict their breathing in securing acceptance... 

I doubt that things will change in a semester and, honestly, I shouldn't care considering I'll be escaping to the oh-so-gay-friendly Northeast. But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either. And so, I'll end where I started, with Obama; who promised us not just hope, but CHANGE. Let us do that for our own campus, then - with a little over the clothes fondling thrown in for the hell of it.

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Discrimination and the City

So someone called my boyfriend and I "Fags" last night in NYC.

Last night, as we were walking from the cab to my boyfriend's apartment following a fun night out, some guy yelled at my boyfriend and I "why don't you get some girls." I just sort of stared blankly back at him from across the street wondering what his intentions were (and just because I was a little drunk) when he yelled "Fags" back at us. His girlfriend seemed to try and shut him up as I yelled back at him "So What?" Nothing happened after this, just his girlfriend pushing him further down the street away from us as we walked into the apartment building.

Just thought it was an interesting encounter (not all that out of the ordinary or anything) and wanted to share it with you all. Sometimes I feel so much more free to show affection towards my boyfriend in the City than at Duke, but encounters like this show that discrimination is prevalent anywhere and at any time (even at 4:30 in the morning). At least when I am at Duke and something like that happens I feel physically safe, but, depending on where I am in the city and how close I am to the apartment, that is not so much the case in the City.

I hope everyone is enjoying their break and is looking forward to getting back to Duke in a couple week.

"michael"

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Writing from Home

Coming home for winter break isn't what I thought it'd be.

I’ve been at home for a couple of days now since the semester is over. Finals week was surprisingly fun and eventful – it’s interesting how the simultaneous procrastination of college students whose rooms are near each other’s turns them into friends. Someone should write a paper on that.

So back to home. It’s weird being back with family and in the town where I grew up after being out out at Duke for a semester. First, I can tell you that it’s really boring here because none of my high school friends are back yet - Northeastern schools get out after Duke. But it’s also boring because none of my Duke friends are across the hall, a phone call away from meeting me at the Great Hall, or lounging at the Center. I don’t have anyone to talk to here, and it’s more than boring; it’s slightly depressing.

All the conversations that I would usually have at Duke are no-go’s over here. I haven’t – or maybe won’t is the more honest word – come out to my family yet, and like I said before, my friends aren’t physically here. I can’t talk about that person that I saw at the bus stop or at the library, about what someone said or did, or about how my life is ruined because of what someone said or did. (That last one was for you, someone)

In addition to that, I feel cut off from the new friends, specifically the LGBT ones, that I made this semester. We became friends surprisingly fast despite my tendency to embarrassingly choke on water and my fear of talking in large groups. That just goes to show how easily people with similar experiences and backgrounds can bond. I miss the quirky mannerisms that only come out when we’re together, incompatible food preferences, and somewhat constant nonchalant discussion of the subjects the FCC and Duke administration would not approve of.

So what I guess I’m really trying to say in overly high-flown rhetoric and Family Guy-style references is that I really appreciated being at Duke this semester; it was both socially and personally liberating. I’ve never experienced that before and – I know this will sound cheesy but if you know me, you’ll know that I’m a cheesy kind of guy - I’ve only realized what I had at Duke and how good it was after it’s gone (or while I’m on winter break).

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What do you think will be the implications for gays of Obama and a totally democratic congress?

Just curious of what people thought:

Gay Musicians From Bay Area to Play Inauguration Parade

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Coming Out: Think about it.

Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center.

So as people who have read this blog have seen, there are many types of people who are out at Duke. There are people in fraternities, sports-teams, activists, RAs, TAs, etc. Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center. It's there if you want to take advantage of the great programming, but for some people being out at Duke involves a closer group of friends who like to do similiar things. And for others, it has more to do with being honest with your straight friends.

This thread is for you. What are some of your concerns about coming out at Duke? What are you curious or concerned about? I think the blog is suppose to represent these things, but sometimes direct questions can focus the conversation more.

I'll say for those of you who have developed a life at Duke you don't want to let go of, then I wouldn't be too concerned. Remember that you go to Duke. And although some people would say otherwise, in comparison to the rest of the country(even world), the students who go to Duke are usually very accepting and surprisingly encouraging. Even my friends who are staunch Republicans still reach out to me all the time like they did before I came out. Being honest with them usually strengthens your relationship by removing some of the ambiguity and making you more confident about yourself.

Are you nervous about not being able to do well profesionally? Businesses don't care. Honestly, there is a great conference hosted each year in New York called the "Out for Undergraduate Business Conference." If you sign up, they usually pay for you to fly up and stay a night in New York and meet people from all types of financial-service and consulting firms, and they put you in touch with other companies. While it's different in some areas of the country, it has become almost unprofessional to be homophobic in cities like New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, etc. And most companies like JPMorgan, BCG, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey etc. have strong networks where they focus on helping you find a position and developing your career once you're there.

So if you're curious about anything, go ahead and ask. If you do, you might get a response. And if you don't, then you may never get another opportunity to find out.

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No More Mr. Nice Gay

Now that we have that out of the way, no, I'm not satisfied with Duke, or the world for that matter, and I'm not going to play nice anymore.

Through my tenet that the constructs of sex/gender/desire to which we've become accustomed must necessarily be exploded for the fulfillment of any resemblance of equality I am limiting my ability to discuss the manifestations of these constructs themselves. "Quotations" are used liberally to denote a significant and specific departure from postmodernist vocabulary (or lack thereof) for the ease of discussion and comprehension.

As a point of clarification, the term heteronormativity is and should only be applied to an institutionalized framework or a way of thinking that has been perpetuated by a history of discourse on the concept of sexuality that normalizes "heterosexuality" through the otherization of any deviance. The institution of "same-sex" rooming is heteronormative, the institution of Fraternity/Sorority mixers is heteronormative, U.S. sexual education policy is heteronormative. A person is necessarily not heteronormative.

A person is heterosexist or homophobic. Heterosexism is an overarching system of thought that places sexuality in an invariable heirarchy, which through its internalization has many consequences on behavior and thought, both visible and invisible. The belief that only heterosexual relationships deserve legal benefits, relevantly exampled in the 'right' to marry, is a heterosexist sentiment. Heterosexism is often not readily apparent, even in the minds of those who embody it; the assumption that people are straight until proven gay is a form of (sometimes) invisible heterosexism. Although heteronormativity is the functional framework which allows or encourages this behavior, the thought itself is inevitably heterosexist through its holding of "heterosexuality" above or before other sexualities.

Homophobia, and here's the kicker, pun intended, is a marked irrational fear, disgust or aversion for what has come to be termed "homosexuality" or any of its other-faced cousins. Using the words queer, faggot, dyke derogatorily is homophobic. Physical and sexual abuse of a person based on identification or exhibition of "homosexuality" is homophobic.

These concepts all act reciprocally. That is to say, heterosexism and homophobia are tools utilized to perpetuate heteronormativity as much as institutionalized heteronormativity works to create and reinforce homophobia and heterosexism.

Now that we have that out of the way, no, I'm not satisfied with Duke, or the world for that matter, and I'm not going to play nice anymore.

The other week I was at the LGBT Center looking at some pictures from the NC pride parade. They looked great, everyone appeared so happy to be out as LGBTQA. I was proud of participating in the parade and proud that all of it was documented. I found out a picture was submitted to be posted on Duke.edu from the parade. I then found out that my proud, gay, shirtless body was to be edited out to make the picture more palatable for webgoers. I was a little put off at first, and made a few jokes about being so.

Looking back, I am left awed that we felt a need to censor ourselves just to get some fucking exposure. Fuck that. Have you seen pictures from San Francisco pride parades? I think I saw less cock hanging out in the last porn I watched. When was the last time a little cock and balls killed anybody anyways (read: rhetorical)? Fuck dosing down sexual expression in order to placate a heteronormative society. Never again will I sit idly by while the way I choose to exhibit my sexuality is stifled, least of all by other members of the "community" in order to appease. It is counterintuitive to limit our own behavior; this is another way of perpetuating heterosexism by situating ourselves as having less deserving, meaningful experiences.

You know what else? Fuck marriage. Marriage is ritualized heterosexuality that implies that the correct way to pronounce yourself as a moral, upstanding society member is to be romantically partnered, straight and monogamous. This is institutionalized in American society through rewards (economic benefits, social status, etc.). In rewarding this specific type of relationship (or a relationship in general) U.S. culture is enforcing a heterosexist hierarchy.

If you're a fag, or even if you're not, why do you want to get married? I'm guessing it's because you want the same benefits afforded to straight people. In the fight for marriage, however, we're reinforcing many heterosexist ideals, not the least of which is that in order to be deserving of benefits, we need to mimic and imitate a ritualized historically heterosexual practice. Even in doing so, we're necessarily asking, pleading, for "equality" from those in a privileged position. I hope that theme is starting to seem counterintuitive, as it is a tool of oppression.

Further, let's say we get what we ask for, gay marriage. By incorporating ourselves into this heteronormative framework, we're simply otherizing those whose relationships still fall short of this monogamous, romantic ideal. If you actually care and think about what fighting for marriage means, you'll take the time to read the Beyond Marriage statement: http://www.beyondmarriage.org/full_statement.html. Perhaps, fighting against marriage altogether is a more appropriate way of actualizing a truly encompassing reformation of benefits.

I am sick and fucking tired of complacency. No, the concessions of straight culture are not enough. Being recognized for being different is not enough. The desire to be included, accepted (read: like a heterosexual) is a tool used to perpetuate heterosexism. Whether you have experienced it or not, verbal, physical and sexual abuse of queer people does exist, even on our campus. And I'm sure as hell not gonna play nice, at least about this, until it doesn't.

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Call in Gay Today!

On a day of protest, when many of us on Duke's campus are right in the teeth of exams, let's take a few minutes to "Call in Gay."

As many of you probably already know, today is "Call in Gay Day," a nationwide day of protest on which GLBTQAs across the country "called in gay" to work, instead pursuing community involvement and volunteer work in a show of solidarity. I know everyone's got exams going on - I have a final paper due today and a very scary final on Saturday, so I'll certainly be tending to my academic needs most of the day. But I did change my Facebook status... and as I was checking my news feeds for the morning, I found this: http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653/page/1

This link goes to Newsweek's most recent cover story. Take a few minutes to read it; the arguments for gay marriage that the author puts forth are very compelling. (I know, I know, no one needs to sell most of us on the right to marry, but it never hurts to know how to defend your views most eloquently, right?) Then pass on the link to family and friends you think ought to see it, if you're comfortable with that.

My mom really surprised me this morning by calling to ask what I had planned for "Call in Gay Day." If this story changes the mind of just one person today because I recommended that we pass it along, that's something, right?

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