So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.
So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.
And I'll agree, it is probably more challenging to be queer and out than to be a breeder on campus.
But why? What is it about Duke that makes it so hard to be out? It could be, like you're possibly thinking, that it's a history of heteronormativity established in a specific time and place. Perhaps it could be that we're in the 'South' (I use the term loosely because this isn't a very Southern school). And just maybe, it could be that straight people don't want to think about being queer, and since they don't we're left in the cold, alone.
These things are probably all true, not of all people and not all the time, but true nonetheless.
What the fuck are you doing to live your own life? Yeah it's tough, I know just as well as you do. Get over it. How the fuck are things going to change if you sit around, dressed in your polo shirts, hiding, pitying yourself? Where is the spirit of rebelliousness? Where is the unique individual inside of you actually coming out? Do something, goddammit!
Is there anybody out there? Because I don't see you standing out in the crowd. I don't see you holding hands with your partner. I don't see you dancing with them in public. I don't see you.
As a matter of fact, the gay scene I've come to know at Duke isn't much of a gay scene at all. Where are the club kids, the radical queers, the flamboyant, gay as all hell, fags? I love you, and I don't see you either.
I want you to do something. Fuck, fight, yell, cry, love, ecstasy, anything. Just do something. If you want to talk about lonely, lonely are those of us who are martyrs for all of you hiding in the shadows. Lonely is being that one kid who has the integrity and will to do something different on this damn campus.
I don't see you. Stop using difficulty as an excuse, do something. It will be a lot easier for everyone if we all do.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
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This post just made my day/night/week. All I've got to say is: AMEN!
ReplyDelete(And I mean that in the least religious way possible, lol.)
Kudos. While I think some of what you stated might be downplaying the serious fears and concerns people have about coming out, and while it's not completely the fault of those who are unwilling to out themselves in an environment that's not extremely accepting, I fully appreciate your call to have more of us on campus willing to put ourselves in the limelight, willing to BE our own visibility.
ReplyDeleteThe underlying theme of the post is challenging the idea of why we think of Duke as an uninviting environment in which we can be "out." Visibility is everything! The reason we complain about the the difficulty of coming out or being out here is because we don't have a presence. And this is perpetuated by these fears; the concepts act reciprocally to produce this concept of a 'negative environment' that we have constructed.
ReplyDeleteI'd argue that a position of fear held by queers fosters the negative attitudes toward us. If we are telling ourselves that it's not acceptable to be out or present, then that's what we're going to get. However, and here's my point, if we convince ourselves, and we have to believe it, live it, that we are human beings, then that's how we'll be treated. If we show the integrity and self-respect to accept who we are, then we'll be accepted (if that's what we're after). And it won't come right away, and I know that's scary, but it's the only way.
Perhaps, though, the entire idea of needing acceptance needs rethinking. We could say that it's a basic human need, everyone (not just queers) wants it, bullshit, etc. Or we could take a moment to think about what acceptance means.
If a homophobic, self-righteous bigot wanted to be your friend, and let's say he doesn't know you're a flaming homo, would you want that? Why is it that we seek acceptance from people whose opinions we don't respect? It seems like we're falling into a trap, playing into what they want. And if we truly believed that we don't respect them, we wouldn't need their respect or their acceptance.
I personally will always be that kid who believes he has the right to put up a fight, but I'll admit being the only one in that position is tiring too. Why the fuck am I being so radical if no one is taking advantage of my wake? My desire is internally motivated, but that's not enough for some people.
The responsibility of creating this open environment can't just fall on the shoulders of those of us who are already out and about. If we want change, we have to be the change we want to see.
I agree that we have to be the change we want to see, and if we aren't willing to put ourselves on the line, then no one else will be either, and it's a self-perpetuated issue. I don't think that the fear and the issues surrounding coming out excuses us from not taking charge and coming out, but it also explains why people are hesitant. However, I feel like we could definitely (maybe not easily), but DEFINITELY change this campus. With work, with strength, and yes, most importantly, with visibility.
ReplyDeleteAs for being friends with a homophobic bigot who doens't know that I'm gay, no, I probably wouldn't be. But that is, I believe, simply a common reaction, ie, we do not tend to attract to us people who do not share our same views/beliefs. Personally, I find that I attract like-minded people to me, and I do not know of any close friends of mine that do not hold most of the same values as I do.
I'd also like to add that, while your argument against needing "acceptance" is an interesting take on the issue, it also unfortunately leaves out any room for CHANGE. Humans evolve, societies evolve, the world evolves, and slowly we come to form a more inclusive community. I do not at all think that we should be shutting out those very people who might one day be our allies. I don't believe there are many people out there who are homophobic who are actually malevolently being cruel to their fellow human beings, rather I believe that there is an incredible amount of ignorance and misinformation which fosters, from an early age, ideas and "beliefs" that grow homophobia, racism, sexism. However, I think that almost anyone has the potential for change. I like to believe that most people, at their core, have a sense of what is right and what is wrong, that most people have good intentions, but these can be skewed and directed by traditionally perpetuated misconceptions and assumptions. Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I have heard more than enough stories about people changing their views on homosexuality, on gay marriage, on gay rights, through just getting to know gay people and knowing them as human beings, instead of vague, ambiguous threats to an ideaology, to give up hope on society, to give up hope on the idea of a complete acceptance. Yes, acceptance is a human need. Just so happens, WE ARE HUMAN. And as such, we don't just need acceptance, we deserve it, and we must demand it, for with acceptance comes understanding, equality, and respect.
Why is it that we seek acceptance from people whose opinions we don't respect?
ReplyDeleteSo simple and obvious, but not a lot of people ask themselves, I don't think.
But why? What is it about Duke that makes it so hard to be out? It could be, like you're possibly thinking, that it's a history of heteronormativity established in a specific time and place. Perhaps it could be that we're in the 'South' (I use the term loosely because this isn't a very Southern school). And just maybe, it could be that straight people don't want to think about being queer, and since they don't we're left in the cold, alone.
ReplyDeleteThese things are probably all true, not of all people and not all the time, but true nonetheless.
So I'm out at Duke. And for me, none of those things make it difficult to be out. Sometimes people are surprised when they find out I'm gay because I don't "seem gay." I don't visually or verbally censor my sexuality at Duke; I just think that there are other things about myself that I want people to see too.
What ragazzo più ribelle proposes, that we be out and proud and live our lives without regard to others who may not like us, is not necessarily contradictory to an eventual acceptance, if that is your goal. Working to eliminate homophobia and gain acceptance first and then coming out is just one way of doing things, and requires waiting for approval. In asserting our identities regardless of approval, we take the active role and may, in effect, force acceptance -- or at least recognition, seeing as how acceptance will always be out of our hands and up to those who are making the decision (anyone see a problem here?)
ReplyDeleteMy point is that in being silent or closeted there is a passivity that leaves control in the hands of the majority. Which means A) you are giving up your right to live freely for someone else's sake (which is just what they want, btw), and B) as long as you're out of their sight they have no reason to accept you, for you essentially don't exist (as an LGBTQ).
What I want to know is: What is acceptance anyway? What do we mean by that?
The word almost conjures up a picture of a pitiful, whining 5 year old saying, “But I want Billy to liiiiike meeeee…” So what if Billy doesn’t like you, isn’t your friend? Are you going to go hide in your room for the rest of your life, or until Billy decides to change his mind? Are you going to bribe Billy with all of your toys, or mold yourself into who he wants you to be, so that he likes you?
Who the fuck is Billy anyway, and what makes him so important?
If you already know Billy likes to see you cry, and be unhappy, and ashamed, why would you give him that satisfaction? Why are you playing by Billy’s rules?
Sure this may sound mean, maybe I’m being a bully, and maybe you think I’m bitter about something (final papers? lol)... but really, I’m just tired of seeing my people torture themselves with concerns about what everyone else thinks of them. Do something for yourself- live for yourself- be your damn self! There’s NEVER going to be a place or time where everyone accepts you… does that mean there’s never going to be a place or time where you accept and assert who you are? I hope not, because that’s really sad.
Interesting discussion. If this is an appeal for everyone who is out to be more visible (and vocal on campus), I would ask if there is a specific group less visible than others and if so who. I will make a guess towards the end. Please refute, affirm, or expand.
ReplyDeleteThere are people who go to clubs. I see them every Sunday. There are people who go to semi-formals with their boyfriends and wear gay themed costumes on Halloween and it's awesome.
In my experience, there is a set of students who have already carved themselves a niche in some Duke social group. It might not be at the LGBT center, maybe it's on a sports team or in a fraternity. The point is, they are out and they don't hide it.
I understand that there are others who are out and also more quiet, and who are more timid about expressing their sexuality around their friends. I would guess that these people are largely independents who do not have a social space to express themselves in and are the ones who are having trouble being visible because they have no place to be seen.
Hey Alta- nice to have you :)
ReplyDeleteFor me, its more about getting out in the first place. I'm not requiring anyone to shout from mountain tops that they're LGBTQ or wear a rainbow cape to class everyday, because I don't think that's necessarily an important part of everyone's identity, but I do see problems with consciously and purposely hiding that aspect of yourself because you don't think others will like it- internalizing shame.
There is something to be said for literal visibility, however. Think about what it would mean if every LGBTQ person on campus (including those who are not out now) wore an "I'm gay" T-shirt one day, and didn't take any shit from anyone about it.
Lastly, I challenge your opinion that socially quiet, independent types are less visible. I think more of these people are out to begin with (b/c its easier to be out in smaller circles, supposedly, and they have less people to 'impress') than students with larger social networks like athletes and greeks... In my experience, the latter tend to be 'out' to themselves or their closest friends, but in the closet when it comes to their teams or frats/sororities... Thus, those with the potential to be most visible actually become the least visible. But I don't want to play the blame game and stereotype everyone according to their social group.
Wow! This post really brought out the parts of the traditionally 'negative' people who post on here. Honestly there are those bloggers on here who when you are about to read their post you have an idea of whether it will bash Duke and being happy here, or support it. This post seems to be the angry people reaching out to the happy ones to be more visible.
ReplyDeleteI think being proactive doesn't necessarily have anything to do with if your happy or not. there are many factors but DAMN it seems like the two are linked so much in these posts and others. I hate the statement 'if your happy your complacent.' I really wanted to post on Michaels post about being out and happy at Duke because I agree with EVERYTHING he said. But I don't think its because I haven't received threats or had hardship in finding a guy to date. Its because I can get past that, focus on fixing it without loathing it. BIG difference. The only person who makes themselves mad or sad is THEMSELF. Its very true that people enjoy dealing with happy people more, we can still focus on the things we don;t like but we don;t have to yell and be pissed off about it. Theres a BIG difference is saying I'm happy, and that my life is perfect or I allow the bad things to go on. I think it comes down to a more personal issue of do you want to live angry? If not, change your response to your environment, be a happy activist. Those two words aren't mutually exclusive... lets all realize that.
I definitely do agree with the 'stop complaining and do something' statement though. I have always said that if you don;t like something fix it. Come to me with ideas for a solution, don't just talk about a problem.
Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown
Well dang I definitely had some typos. I should probably proof read them before posting. I meant in the first paragraph that there are those who bash Duke about and the people who are happy here, or if its someone who will write about supporting Duke and gay people.
ReplyDelete