Thoughts of a Senior

Anonymous contribution:

But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either.

London is, without a doubt, one of the best cities I have had the pleasure of visiting. And despite having firm loyalties to New York, I'd have to admit that my experiences in the UK were far better than those I've had in NYC. Of course, it helped that Obama won the elections, so much so that his victory eventually became a part of my pick-up lines: "So...you know I voted for Obama, don't you? Oh yeah...he's my brotha' from anotha' motha'..." - kissing and over the clothes fondling quickly ensuing, of course.

But jokes aside, my time in London has led to considerable self-reflection, particularly as regards my final semester at Duke, a semester which I'd prefer to skip all together. That's right: I count myself amongst those 'angry' gays who hold a deep-seated resentment towards the university. I'll make no mention of the conservative roommate I had freshmen year ('Parking for Republicans Only, All Others Will Be Bush Whacked' read one memorable poster), nor of the homophobic comments my gay roommate and I received on our door sophomore year - these things are neither here nor there. 

Rather, it'd be far more impressionable to relate how I view the Duke gay community as it exists today. That is, a gay student body too afraid to make itself visible on a campus that very clearly needs to learn the true meaning of both 'acceptance' and 'tolerance.' There have been posts suggesting that two men seen kissing or holding hands on our campus would garner no negative attention, for example, a suggestion which I find entirely laughable. If my wearing a collared shirt with too many buttons undone garners stares and titters, how the hell would people react to my displaying my affection for another man? And let me assure you, what I say is based in truth for, as one friend told me, "My boyfriend and I [seen holding hands in the Bryan Center] got so many dirty looks and laughs that we eventually had to leave." 

This, it shouldn't surprise you, occurred only a year ago. And yet you all would feign ignorance, insisting that only the "flamers" have such negative experiences, and rightfully so, considering they flaunt their homosexuality. My response: WAKE THE FU** UP! Realize that where one gay man is harassed, we're all harassed; where one couple is made to feel uncomfortable, we're all made to feel uncomfortable. Realize that an 'effeminate' gay man has just as much right to happiness as those gay men and women who are capable of 'passing' as heterosexuals. Arguing that the LGBT should somehow 'be seen and not heard' is simply internalized homophobia, for it implies that we are inherently wrong in demanding the very same freedoms (to love) as our heterosexual equals. 

If, at this moment, I were asked to evaluate our (small) community on its visibility, I'd be forced to give it a 4/10 (a score which would be even lower if not for the success of the Love=Love T-shirts). This is for two reasons: 1) we lack genuine unity, with straight-acting gay men feeling somehow superior to the more effeminate gay men for having the capacity to blend in, and 2) our contentment in being all-together silent on campus. As regards the latter: we, like the vast majority of Duke students (besides those in SHARE, perhaps), are afraid to operate outside of the norm. This includes how we dress, how we speak, and, most importantly, our sexuality. 

But within this weakness, I think, is our greatest strength. That is, we can do something which very many Duke students can't bring themselves to do: we can be ourselves. Simple, isn't it? But it's something which we DON'T do when we refuse to, say, hold the hand of a boyfriend or girlfriend; refuse to wear something because it's simply 'too gay;' or degrade openly gay students for being such 'flamers.' It's something which I, too, have failed to do in my time at Duke, and which I hope to change upon returning. If that means wearing those skinny jeans hidden away in the back of my closet, then so be it - gay men and women have done far more than restrict their breathing in securing acceptance... 

I doubt that things will change in a semester and, honestly, I shouldn't care considering I'll be escaping to the oh-so-gay-friendly Northeast. But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either. And so, I'll end where I started, with Obama; who promised us not just hope, but CHANGE. Let us do that for our own campus, then - with a little over the clothes fondling thrown in for the hell of it.

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Discrimination and the City

So someone called my boyfriend and I "Fags" last night in NYC.

Last night, as we were walking from the cab to my boyfriend's apartment following a fun night out, some guy yelled at my boyfriend and I "why don't you get some girls." I just sort of stared blankly back at him from across the street wondering what his intentions were (and just because I was a little drunk) when he yelled "Fags" back at us. His girlfriend seemed to try and shut him up as I yelled back at him "So What?" Nothing happened after this, just his girlfriend pushing him further down the street away from us as we walked into the apartment building.

Just thought it was an interesting encounter (not all that out of the ordinary or anything) and wanted to share it with you all. Sometimes I feel so much more free to show affection towards my boyfriend in the City than at Duke, but encounters like this show that discrimination is prevalent anywhere and at any time (even at 4:30 in the morning). At least when I am at Duke and something like that happens I feel physically safe, but, depending on where I am in the city and how close I am to the apartment, that is not so much the case in the City.

I hope everyone is enjoying their break and is looking forward to getting back to Duke in a couple week.

"michael"

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Writing from Home

Coming home for winter break isn't what I thought it'd be.

I’ve been at home for a couple of days now since the semester is over. Finals week was surprisingly fun and eventful – it’s interesting how the simultaneous procrastination of college students whose rooms are near each other’s turns them into friends. Someone should write a paper on that.

So back to home. It’s weird being back with family and in the town where I grew up after being out out at Duke for a semester. First, I can tell you that it’s really boring here because none of my high school friends are back yet - Northeastern schools get out after Duke. But it’s also boring because none of my Duke friends are across the hall, a phone call away from meeting me at the Great Hall, or lounging at the Center. I don’t have anyone to talk to here, and it’s more than boring; it’s slightly depressing.

All the conversations that I would usually have at Duke are no-go’s over here. I haven’t – or maybe won’t is the more honest word – come out to my family yet, and like I said before, my friends aren’t physically here. I can’t talk about that person that I saw at the bus stop or at the library, about what someone said or did, or about how my life is ruined because of what someone said or did. (That last one was for you, someone)

In addition to that, I feel cut off from the new friends, specifically the LGBT ones, that I made this semester. We became friends surprisingly fast despite my tendency to embarrassingly choke on water and my fear of talking in large groups. That just goes to show how easily people with similar experiences and backgrounds can bond. I miss the quirky mannerisms that only come out when we’re together, incompatible food preferences, and somewhat constant nonchalant discussion of the subjects the FCC and Duke administration would not approve of.

So what I guess I’m really trying to say in overly high-flown rhetoric and Family Guy-style references is that I really appreciated being at Duke this semester; it was both socially and personally liberating. I’ve never experienced that before and – I know this will sound cheesy but if you know me, you’ll know that I’m a cheesy kind of guy - I’ve only realized what I had at Duke and how good it was after it’s gone (or while I’m on winter break).

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What do you think will be the implications for gays of Obama and a totally democratic congress?

Just curious of what people thought:

Gay Musicians From Bay Area to Play Inauguration Parade

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Coming Out: Think about it.

Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center.

So as people who have read this blog have seen, there are many types of people who are out at Duke. There are people in fraternities, sports-teams, activists, RAs, TAs, etc. Coming out at Duke doesn't have to start at the LGBT center. It's there if you want to take advantage of the great programming, but for some people being out at Duke involves a closer group of friends who like to do similiar things. And for others, it has more to do with being honest with your straight friends.

This thread is for you. What are some of your concerns about coming out at Duke? What are you curious or concerned about? I think the blog is suppose to represent these things, but sometimes direct questions can focus the conversation more.

I'll say for those of you who have developed a life at Duke you don't want to let go of, then I wouldn't be too concerned. Remember that you go to Duke. And although some people would say otherwise, in comparison to the rest of the country(even world), the students who go to Duke are usually very accepting and surprisingly encouraging. Even my friends who are staunch Republicans still reach out to me all the time like they did before I came out. Being honest with them usually strengthens your relationship by removing some of the ambiguity and making you more confident about yourself.

Are you nervous about not being able to do well profesionally? Businesses don't care. Honestly, there is a great conference hosted each year in New York called the "Out for Undergraduate Business Conference." If you sign up, they usually pay for you to fly up and stay a night in New York and meet people from all types of financial-service and consulting firms, and they put you in touch with other companies. While it's different in some areas of the country, it has become almost unprofessional to be homophobic in cities like New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, etc. And most companies like JPMorgan, BCG, Goldman Sachs, McKinsey etc. have strong networks where they focus on helping you find a position and developing your career once you're there.

So if you're curious about anything, go ahead and ask. If you do, you might get a response. And if you don't, then you may never get another opportunity to find out.

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No More Mr. Nice Gay

Now that we have that out of the way, no, I'm not satisfied with Duke, or the world for that matter, and I'm not going to play nice anymore.

Through my tenet that the constructs of sex/gender/desire to which we've become accustomed must necessarily be exploded for the fulfillment of any resemblance of equality I am limiting my ability to discuss the manifestations of these constructs themselves. "Quotations" are used liberally to denote a significant and specific departure from postmodernist vocabulary (or lack thereof) for the ease of discussion and comprehension.

As a point of clarification, the term heteronormativity is and should only be applied to an institutionalized framework or a way of thinking that has been perpetuated by a history of discourse on the concept of sexuality that normalizes "heterosexuality" through the otherization of any deviance. The institution of "same-sex" rooming is heteronormative, the institution of Fraternity/Sorority mixers is heteronormative, U.S. sexual education policy is heteronormative. A person is necessarily not heteronormative.

A person is heterosexist or homophobic. Heterosexism is an overarching system of thought that places sexuality in an invariable heirarchy, which through its internalization has many consequences on behavior and thought, both visible and invisible. The belief that only heterosexual relationships deserve legal benefits, relevantly exampled in the 'right' to marry, is a heterosexist sentiment. Heterosexism is often not readily apparent, even in the minds of those who embody it; the assumption that people are straight until proven gay is a form of (sometimes) invisible heterosexism. Although heteronormativity is the functional framework which allows or encourages this behavior, the thought itself is inevitably heterosexist through its holding of "heterosexuality" above or before other sexualities.

Homophobia, and here's the kicker, pun intended, is a marked irrational fear, disgust or aversion for what has come to be termed "homosexuality" or any of its other-faced cousins. Using the words queer, faggot, dyke derogatorily is homophobic. Physical and sexual abuse of a person based on identification or exhibition of "homosexuality" is homophobic.

These concepts all act reciprocally. That is to say, heterosexism and homophobia are tools utilized to perpetuate heteronormativity as much as institutionalized heteronormativity works to create and reinforce homophobia and heterosexism.

Now that we have that out of the way, no, I'm not satisfied with Duke, or the world for that matter, and I'm not going to play nice anymore.

The other week I was at the LGBT Center looking at some pictures from the NC pride parade. They looked great, everyone appeared so happy to be out as LGBTQA. I was proud of participating in the parade and proud that all of it was documented. I found out a picture was submitted to be posted on Duke.edu from the parade. I then found out that my proud, gay, shirtless body was to be edited out to make the picture more palatable for webgoers. I was a little put off at first, and made a few jokes about being so.

Looking back, I am left awed that we felt a need to censor ourselves just to get some fucking exposure. Fuck that. Have you seen pictures from San Francisco pride parades? I think I saw less cock hanging out in the last porn I watched. When was the last time a little cock and balls killed anybody anyways (read: rhetorical)? Fuck dosing down sexual expression in order to placate a heteronormative society. Never again will I sit idly by while the way I choose to exhibit my sexuality is stifled, least of all by other members of the "community" in order to appease. It is counterintuitive to limit our own behavior; this is another way of perpetuating heterosexism by situating ourselves as having less deserving, meaningful experiences.

You know what else? Fuck marriage. Marriage is ritualized heterosexuality that implies that the correct way to pronounce yourself as a moral, upstanding society member is to be romantically partnered, straight and monogamous. This is institutionalized in American society through rewards (economic benefits, social status, etc.). In rewarding this specific type of relationship (or a relationship in general) U.S. culture is enforcing a heterosexist hierarchy.

If you're a fag, or even if you're not, why do you want to get married? I'm guessing it's because you want the same benefits afforded to straight people. In the fight for marriage, however, we're reinforcing many heterosexist ideals, not the least of which is that in order to be deserving of benefits, we need to mimic and imitate a ritualized historically heterosexual practice. Even in doing so, we're necessarily asking, pleading, for "equality" from those in a privileged position. I hope that theme is starting to seem counterintuitive, as it is a tool of oppression.

Further, let's say we get what we ask for, gay marriage. By incorporating ourselves into this heteronormative framework, we're simply otherizing those whose relationships still fall short of this monogamous, romantic ideal. If you actually care and think about what fighting for marriage means, you'll take the time to read the Beyond Marriage statement: http://www.beyondmarriage.org/full_statement.html. Perhaps, fighting against marriage altogether is a more appropriate way of actualizing a truly encompassing reformation of benefits.

I am sick and fucking tired of complacency. No, the concessions of straight culture are not enough. Being recognized for being different is not enough. The desire to be included, accepted (read: like a heterosexual) is a tool used to perpetuate heterosexism. Whether you have experienced it or not, verbal, physical and sexual abuse of queer people does exist, even on our campus. And I'm sure as hell not gonna play nice, at least about this, until it doesn't.

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Call in Gay Today!

On a day of protest, when many of us on Duke's campus are right in the teeth of exams, let's take a few minutes to "Call in Gay."

As many of you probably already know, today is "Call in Gay Day," a nationwide day of protest on which GLBTQAs across the country "called in gay" to work, instead pursuing community involvement and volunteer work in a show of solidarity. I know everyone's got exams going on - I have a final paper due today and a very scary final on Saturday, so I'll certainly be tending to my academic needs most of the day. But I did change my Facebook status... and as I was checking my news feeds for the morning, I found this: http://www.newsweek.com/id/172653/page/1

This link goes to Newsweek's most recent cover story. Take a few minutes to read it; the arguments for gay marriage that the author puts forth are very compelling. (I know, I know, no one needs to sell most of us on the right to marry, but it never hurts to know how to defend your views most eloquently, right?) Then pass on the link to family and friends you think ought to see it, if you're comfortable with that.

My mom really surprised me this morning by calling to ask what I had planned for "Call in Gay Day." If this story changes the mind of just one person today because I recommended that we pass it along, that's something, right?

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My Duke: Affirming. Disapproving. And Everything In Between.

There seems to be a lot of discussion about whether or not Duke is an accepting and affirming place to be an LGBT student. I do not think it is possible to answer that question with a simple yes or no.

There seems to be a lot of discussion about whether or not Duke is an accepting and affirming place to be an LGBT student. I do not think it is possible to answer that question with a simple yes or no. I am happy at Duke and am very glad I chose to go here. My LGBT experiences have enriched me in ways I never imagined. I have made many great lifelong friends, became an activist and have learned much about what it means to be an LGBT person. I have met many allies who love me for me regardless of my sexual orientation or how I display my gender. Before Duke, I was out, but not in the way I wanted to be. Duke has taught me how to be the person that I choose to be. This campus has allowed me to display my sexual orientation and gender identity without being ashamed. However, I cannot ignore the negative experiences either. I cannot ignore the fact that I get stared and gawked at everywhere I go, and not even when I’m holding hands with a boy or wearing a particularly “gay” outfit. Usually it’s just when I’m crossing the quad like any other student. I cannot ignore the fact that I have been physically threatened for my display of my sexual orientation and gender identity. I cannot ignore the fact that I regularly have drunk frat guys telling me to perform sexually degrading acts for them due to my sexual orientation and gender identity. Duke is a wonderful place and I am happy and excited to be out and proud. I have found niches filled with affirming and supportive people and I have found niches with some of the most bigoted and homophobic people I have ever met. I guess it just depends on which side I focus on in deciding whether or not it is an affirming campus.

To those of you who persistently say that Duke is not an affirming place, I ask you to please remember all the good experiences that you have had at Duke being an LGBT person and to not forget them, even when everybody seems to be against you. In my experience, it has been these positive experiences that will define how I move my life forward and become the person I want to be post-Duke. And to those of you who persistently say that Duke is an affirming place, I ask you to pay closer attention and to see the whole picture and the inevitable negativity that will always be present. It may seem easier to block out the negativity, but it is something that we can all learn and grow from. I know that had I not gotten these stares or threats; I would not be able to walk across campus, head held high and full of pride like I do today.

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Fraternity and Sorority Life

Fraternities and Sororities can often be considered the least accepting groups on campus. Are you out to your frat? If so, how did it go? If not, what's holding you back?

I am personally out to my frat. They were overwhelmingly supportive when I told them. Their only demand was that I bring my boyfriend to date functions. They told me they'd be personally insluted if I didn't bring them and to be honest, I only did because of their encouragement. At the first function, it was a little awkward, but I could tell they went out of their way to make us both feel comfortable. We just went to my semi-formal. Now that its been done once, it was totally unawkward; it was just as comfortable as bringing a girl. I can say this experience was a surprise and something I thought I'd never be comfortable with, but I was wondering if other people had similar experiences.

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Off Campus

I saw this while walking off campus this weekend. It made me smile.

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Gay Nightlife at Duke

Going out is one of the best things about being gay. Gay clubs, parties, and bars are just more fun than Shooters II. Let's talk about what people do and are looking for in their social scene.

I think one of the most difficult things about being gay at Duke is not having a good gay social scence in the area. So my question is, what do people do at night? Do you have a gay group of friends to go out with? Do your straight friends come to gay bars/parties/clubs/the center with you? Do you even go to gay events? Are there people out there that wish they had a gay group, but just can't seem to get connected to the right people?

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Out and Happy at Duke

Edited/Clarified: Duke isn't perfect, but neither is any college. I am overwhelmingly satisfied that I came here, despite the challenges I have faced (academically, socially, and "gay" related). I am in a relationship, I am gay, I am a senior, I am a Dukie, I am me, and I am happy.

Edits in Black

Seeing so much negativity in the posts here and on the Me Too Blog, I often wonder what I am doing different that makes me feel different, and I realize that it isn't that I have done anything different, but I think that my perspective may be different. I admit that I have been at Duke for a while now, and am ready to get out of here, but it is not because of the negative experiences I have had here. I'm just ready to move on and take the next step. I am HAPPY at Duke and couldn't see myself anywhere else, despite the issues I have been confronted with.

I have taken interesting courses with professors who for the most part care about their students. I have had great groups of friends who have supported me and embraced me when I came out to them my freshman year. Being out on campus for about two and a half years now has not been a bad experience, but has, in fact, been the best adventure of my life. I have felt free at Duke to be myself for the most part (maybe censored as I walk by frat sections, but its just like living in Durham, you learn what is safe and what is not). The Center for LGBT Life gave me a place to spend time and meet people, and I learned a few things there. I learned that not all gays and lesbians fit the stereotypes that have been built up about us, and I learned that the LGBT students who visit the Center come from all walks of life and that it is much harder to label someone than I previously thought. I was scared to come to the LGBT Center my freshman year, but I don't think I would be as happy and as comfortable a person today if it hadn't been for that short walk almost three years ago.

I admit that I am not wholely committed to the "gay scene" at Duke, and I therefore don't know what drama does happen. However, maybe that is a testament to the fact that not everyone has to fit some mold to be gay at Duke. You can be who you are while taking advantage of the resources that are available to you so that you feel comfortable. I still encourage everyone to come out and be honest with yourself, your family, and your friends. But it is not necessary to become an active member of the LGBT Center (although it is there for you if you want it) to be out at Duke.

Duke isn't perfect, but neither is any college. I am overwhelmingly satisfied that I came here, despite the few challenges I have faced (academically, socially, and "gay" related). I am in a relationship, I am gay, I am a senior, I am a Dukie, I am me, and I am happy. You can be all of these and more at Duke. I just think that although we concentrate on the bad things while we are here, it will be the good things that happen that will shape our futures and shape our views of Duke after we have left.

My perspective is that of an out senior who now is thinking back on his years as an LGBT student at Duke. At times I have been negative about Duke and about situations I have experienced. I have been stared at, made fun of, insulted, and confronted by a Duke staff member about my sexuality, and those were all bad experiences. However, I don't dwell on those things and although I definitely see the benefit in expressing them on this blog, I would hope that we can also express the positive experiences we have had at Duke. Those are the times we will remember most, and those are the times that I do remember most as I realize that my time here is limited and coming to an end.

If this came across as a pompous disply of some sort of "superiority," it wasn't meant that way. I only wanted to give those reading this blog a chance to see the positives that I don't think have been expressed up to this point. Duke is, overall, a great place to be whether or not you are gay. If it was that bad and made us that unhappy, why would we stay here?

Thank You,

"michael"

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"Adam"

I have always wanted someone to listen to me and hear about my life and problems.

This is an excerpt from my journal. I wrote it this October. The name of a person has been edited to "Adam" to protect his privacy.

I have always wanted someone to listen to me and hear about my life and problems. Yea I have my friends and this journal but something has always been missing. I needed someone who could relate to what I’m feeling and give me feedback and advice on a mutual level. I needed a gay friend who understood me. I sort of found that or at least had an experience similar to that with "Adam". I really wanted to talk to him after he approached me and came out. Initially I was scared to talk to him but then I realized that I would regret it if I didn’t do it. So I did and it was amazing. It was such an experience to just talk to someone and unload everything that has been on my mind and not have to worry about explaining something gay. "Adam" understood where I was coming from and it felt like a huge burden lifting off my shoulders. He and I are so similar that I felt validated as a human being. I wasn’t a weird person with weird thoughts and feelings; there was someone out there that was like me and he was a real person. "Adam" was the first person that I’ve had a gay conversation with and I don’t think that I will ever forget that.

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Is there anybody out there?

So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.

So I hear a lot about being gay at Duke: It's so hard to be out; the environment isn't supportive of queer people; I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out; I've never felt more alone; generic sob story.

And I'll agree, it is probably more challenging to be queer and out than to be a breeder on campus.

But why? What is it about Duke that makes it so hard to be out? It could be, like you're possibly thinking, that it's a history of heteronormativity established in a specific time and place. Perhaps it could be that we're in the 'South' (I use the term loosely because this isn't a very Southern school). And just maybe, it could be that straight people don't want to think about being queer, and since they don't we're left in the cold, alone.

These things are probably all true, not of all people and not all the time, but true nonetheless.

What the fuck are you doing to live your own life? Yeah it's tough, I know just as well as you do. Get over it. How the fuck are things going to change if you sit around, dressed in your polo shirts, hiding, pitying yourself? Where is the spirit of rebelliousness? Where is the unique individual inside of you actually coming out? Do something, goddammit!

Is there anybody out there? Because I don't see you standing out in the crowd. I don't see you holding hands with your partner. I don't see you dancing with them in public. I don't see you.

As a matter of fact, the gay scene I've come to know at Duke isn't much of a gay scene at all. Where are the club kids, the radical queers, the flamboyant, gay as all hell, fags? I love you, and I don't see you either.

I want you to do something. Fuck, fight, yell, cry, love, ecstasy, anything. Just do something. If you want to talk about lonely, lonely are those of us who are martyrs for all of you hiding in the shadows. Lonely is being that one kid who has the integrity and will to do something different on this damn campus.

I don't see you. Stop using difficulty as an excuse, do something. It will be a lot easier for everyone if we all do.

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"Why do Gay People...?"

I have been asked more than once about why gay people have things like pride parades and why they feel the need to flaunt their sexuality or educate others on how to interact with the LGBT population.

I have been asked more than once about why gay people have things like pride parades and why they feel the need to flaunt their sexuality or educate others on how to interact with the LGBT population. These are questions not easily asked nor easily answered, but I want to try my best to say what I think about them. The length of these answers is what it is, but I encourage you to read them and think.

1. When it comes to events like Pride (which may be defined as the state or feeling of being proud, which is defined as having or showing self-respect or self-esteem), the goal is not to display superiority, but to assert our right to have the same “self-respect” everyone else is allowed to possess. As an individual in a group that is consistently marginalized and belittled by members of my community and the government that runs my city, state, and country, my Pride stems from my assertion that I have a right to “self-respect and self-esteem.” I will continue (and we will continue) to demonstrate Pride until our country gives us the same rights that others take for granted. It can be compared to the various other civil rights issues that the United States has overcome in the last hundred or so years. Women marched and displayed their Pride to gain the right to vote and the right to equal pay and the African American population protested, marched, and spoke out to display their pride to gain equality as citizens. I admit, that we still have to work on those issues, but we have come a long way and the legal inequities no longer exist. When those legal inequities disappeared, so did the protests and the marches. Pride did not need to be displayed because the government had given these marginalized groups “self-respect” under the law. In the same way, Gay Pride must exist if we are ever to demonstrate that we are not happy with are marginalized positions in society and wish to be treated equally under the law.

2. I sometimes hear people comment on “why gays feel the need to flaunt their sexuality all the time?” That comment often leaves me speechless, as I wonder what they are talking about. Is it flaunting my sexuality to hold my boyfriend’s hand while we walk? I see how many straight couples doing that on a daily basis? Is it flaunting sexuality when gay characters kiss on television? I see straight couples kissing numerous times on television shows and in my daily life. People comment when a gay man wears “effeminate” clothing, but is it not also “flaunting” your sexuality when anyone wears clothes that reveal their body to the world or when someone wears clothes that somehow assert their heterosexuality? The point is, I see straight people “flaunting” their sexuality every day. The problem that people have with seeing a gay or lesbian person express themselves similarly is that for some reason their thoughts go straight to what that person does is the bedroom. I don’t see a straight couple and immediately picture them having sex, they may do it, but why is that my business and why would I think about it? Why does your mind go straight to sex when it should just move on and realize that these two people share the same love that you and your partner(s) share? I keep my mind out of the gutter, and you should too.

3. Finally, I have heard remarks from people asking why we need to learn about LGBT people and be sensitized to their lives. My answer to this stems from my first two answers. Every day is Straight Pride day in my book. Every day I see straight couple holding hands. Every day I see straight people kiss. Every day a professor or classmate makes assumption in his or her speech that implies that everyone is heterosexual. Every day I am confronted with and forced to understand and live in a heterosexual world that not only won’t accommodate me, but also often times prohibits me from finding my way in a straight world. So, when those “gays” announce their sexuality “from the housetops” it is not really what they are doing, it is just us standing out because we are not conforming to this heterocentric culture that we live in. Straight people declare their heterosexuality continuously, while I have to constantly consider my surroundings and make sure it is safe for my boyfriend and I to hold hands. The trainings and things that are offered to everyone exist to make it so this is not the case, so that being gay is not sensationalized, and we can hold hands in public without fear of harassment and assault or being called out for “flaunting our sexuality.”

Thank you for your time and I hope that you were able to take something away from it. Feel free to comment, but please remain civil.

“Michael”

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Learning to Say...

Why did I say that? I'm certainly neither shy nor ashamed about my participation in BDU... or about my sexual orientation, for that matter. So why censor myself in this PARTICULAR forum, when I'm comfortable with having my photo posted next to my name on our website for the whole internet to see?

Hey, all. While I'm no stranger to the internet, I'll admit that this is my first experience with "blogging," per se, and I'm not entirely sure I'm "doing it right." I wasn't even really sure I would have anything to write for this first post... but life often throws the unexpected at you, so here I am, in the very thick of my final papers and projects and assignments, having enough trouble just finding time to breathe. In spite of all that, I found myself on the phone yesterday with a fantastically pleasant woman recently employed to write for my high school's alumni magazine. Apparently, they frequently run features on young alums "in the field," and my name came up. We were chatting about my job, and my classes, and my extracurricular involvement, and she asked if there was any other topic I thought she should cover for the interview. I paused a moment, and realized what I had unintentionally omitted from our conversation - "I was recently elected to a position in Blue Devils United, the student leadership organization for LGBTs and allies at Duke... but I'm not sure you can put that in your article..."

Why did I say that? I'm certainly neither shy nor ashamed about my participation in BDU... or about my sexual orientation, for that matter. So why censor myself in this PARTICULAR forum, when I'm comfortable with having my photo posted next to my name on our website for the whole internet to see? Maybe I just didn't want to cause any waves. My school would never allow information like that to be published in their magazine; there's the "image" the institution has to maintain, after all. I think, more accurately, that I'm tired of hearing "No." "No, you may not sponsor a GSA." "No, you may not wear a dress to the prom." "We have a scholarly and professional atmosphere at this institution, and the way you dress and behave have to preserve that atmosphere."

So much of adolescence is about learning to take the "no"s. You feel like you can escape them if only you get out of your parents' house, if only you get out of your small town school, if only you can get to COLLEGE. But the "no"s are still there, lurking out of sight in the shadows, waiting to strike when you least expect them...

I reviewed the draft of the article this morning. My recent appointment was tactfully avoided. In "choosing my battles," am I just learning to say "no"?

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Beginnings

How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began?

Seeing as people seem to have thoughtful and pertinent titles to these blogs so far, I thought I'd continue the trend.  I find the idea of "beginning" troubling and exciting at the same time.  How many times have you thought back upon an incredibly important time in your life and found that you can't really pinpoint when it began?  Beginnings are so sly and stealthy that way, sneaking into our lives and altering them forever before we're even aware that anything has changed.  That's kind of what it felt like coming out to myself, trying to figure out when I'd started thinking about other girls that way, when things had changed.  The process of coming to terms with my sexuality was slow, hesitant, and if nothing else, reliably confusing.  But I don't really want to talk about that right now, because this is a blog about us at Duke.  And unlike the process of coming to terms with myself, my life at Duke, my queer life, had a very tangible beginning.  It began with a flyer.  I don't remember where I saw it, but I do remember looking over the list of events planned for the LGBT Center, seeing the Chocolate Fountain freshman Welcome event, and knowing that I had to go.  Knowing that I had to go, and actually getting up the courage to go were two completely different things.  I was in a new school, with new people, none of whom I had ever met before, and I was just trying to settle in.  Trying to also deal with my struggle to find a comfortability with my lesbian identity on top of everything else was daunting and frightening.  I wasn't out to anyone at home, and I certainly didn't know anyone at Duke yet that I would entrust with such important knowledge about my personal identity.  Being a bit shy and introverted around those I don't know well anyways, my sexuality was hardly going to become a topic of conversation anytime soon.   And as I walked across the lawn to the Marketplace that evening, I remember getting just within reach of the stairs and almost turning around and going back to my dorm, with a handy lie about the library on my tongue to explain my excursion.  But, chastising myself for being so concerned with what anyone would think of me, I entered Trinity Cafe, dove for a drink, quickly introduced myself to a few people, grabbed a flyer announcing future events, and bolted.  It wasn't much, but it was a start.

After that, it took a long while before I even went to the Center.  This is not to say that I avoided all of the Center's events, but rather I avoided the Center itself like the plague, not really worried anymore that anyone would notice me going in, but more worried about what would greet me when I entered, whether I'd be judged, the what ifs.  Especially frightening was the thought that I wouldn't fit in at the Center either, leaving me without any space, no where to go.  And in a sense, my fears were not completely unfounded.  Before I had even seriously considered engaging the Center's LGBT community, I had been warned of the unfortunately lacking nature of the community with regards to gay women.  I had hardly had the courage to go the the Welcome Reception, and I had no desire whatsoever to be the token lesbian, the odd one out at the Center, should I choose to go. I was frightened that within the ostracized community, I would be ostracized.  And so, I didn't go to the Center until the very end of my freshman year, not until I had finally met someone already involved in the LGBT community and who offered to accompany me to events as moral support.

Part of my motivation to contribute to this blog is not only to allow a portal for understanding the lives and struggles of queer students on Duke campus, but also to create visibility, especially a greater visibility for queer women on Duke campus.  I know that, had there been a blog like this my freshman year, I would have eagerly read it, glad for even the  smallest proof of a queer female identity functioning within the Duke undergraduate community.

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Threat from Within

I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face!

Before I begin, let me just say that I know there are probably some ethical/privacy issues I'm completely ignoring in posting this. I know some of the people who read this will gossip and try to figure out who I'm talking about. And you may figure it out... and who knows what the consequences of that may be. But you know what? I'm tired of not saying the things I want to say b/c of how other people might react, or because I'm trying to protect someone else. The truth is, this happened. And it's not my responsibility to keep it a secret just so someone doesn't encounter judgment. All I ask of you is to learn something from my experience and don't just gossip about it immaturely as if it's a game.

A month or 2 ago, I met a student here at Duke that I hadn't previously known. We started hanging out, and I thought she was cool and impressive in a lot of ways (Note: not referring to sexual skills here!). After hanging out a few times, it became evident that this woman was sexually attracted to me, and, I must admit, I was a bit curious about her too. So far no problems. This isn't the first time I've been attracted to another woman, and not the first time one's been attracted to me. But I'm kind-of over the whole casual sex thing, and while the thought of sex with her may have been intriguing, I didn't plan on following it through.

Time elapses, and a few unnecessarily emotional conversations later I tell her for good that I'm not going to have sex with her-- being nice enough to include the 3 or 4 reasons why I didn't want to. The conversation progresses and she begins to explain that she cannot control her attraction to me... every time she looks at me, she thinks about how sexy I am, and how she wants to do me. I'm not exactly complaining at this point, but I ask her if this will pose problems for our friendship. So, we start discussing that, and she says:

1. Can I pay you to have sex with me?
2. Whyyy won't you have sex with me again?
3. I can't promise you, that if you're drunk or something, I'm not going to have sex with you... I think I might always be waiting around for an opportunity...

Ha ha ha.... WHAT?!?! That's the first thing I though after she said it. I don't think I really comprehended her words-- it was the last thing I expected to hear, and my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because it was absolutely absurd to hear anyone (esp a woman) say these things to my face! Then I thought: If a guy said this to me, I wouldn't still be here sitting next to him. Why is this OK with me? I went to the bathroom to get a hold of my thoughts, and that's when I realized how not OK this entire situation was.

I cried walking back to my room. How could someone I considered a friend (and I'm using that term loosely here) say something like that to me? But that wasn't the most hurtful part about it. The fact that I have to worry about another WOMAN objectifying me in that way, pressuring me for sex, "waiting around" for an opportunity, or preying on me when I'm drunk is... so ridiculously screwed up I can't even comprehend it. All of my previous assumptions about women being "safe," understanding, and non-predatory evaporated that night. But as sad as those realizations may be, I'm glad I can no longer take those things for granted.

As much as I hate gender categories and stereotypes, I'm not immune to thinking about life in gendered terms, and what I learned from this was just how easy it is to fall into that trap. In some ways, I still think its extra disappointing that those statements came from a woman-- but in reality women and men and everyone in-between or outside of these categories are capable of pressuring and assaulting others sexually, and I think that's something we need to realize more fully.

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The First Steps

You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind.

I've written so many drafts to this first entry, and I know I shouldn't be but I'm afraid right now. Blogging is a new thing for me and I am uneasy sharing my life with the rest of the world or at least those of you who are reading this. You know, after being closeted since 7th grade and learning to filter everything that I say and do, it's weird trying to write exactly what is on my mind. I know that some of you readers may know who I am and I'm ok with that. That's a big step for me, being ok with other people knowing the real me. It's also a new step.

So many things have happened over the past semester that have changed me - I don't know if it's for the better or worse. If you knew me at the beginning of summer or even at the end of it, you wouldn't believe that it's me who is writing this. I can't really begin to describe it, but once I took the initiative to try being out, everything happened all at once. For me that first step was going into the Welcome Reception hosted by the Center for LGBT Life, and let me mislead no one here, just walking into the Center took all my courage. A part of it is that I was afraid that people would see me walk into the Center. Don't lie, you know that when you're walking on the BC Plaza and you see someone on the ground level walking towards the Center, you turn your head to check out who it is. I know I still do. But a larger part of my fear was that I didn't know what to expect. Yea it was a welcome reception but what does that actually mean for the LGBT community? I'll have to admit, I expected to walk in there and be greeted with open arms and a bunch of hugs. It wasn't like that. When I walked into that building, there was no one there at the front desk, no one to greet me or guide me onto what to do. I thought what the hell did I just do, did I potentially out myself for this nonsense? Blocking those thoughts out - for reasons that I'll eventually feel comfortable sharing - I stayed and talked to some people. There were a lot of people there but I only talked to a some and I remember the names of even fewer. I stayed for about maybe an hour making small talk and shooting the breeze with people, felt bored, and then left. It wasn't the experience that I expected and I can't say that I wasn't disappointed, but I'm glad that I did it.

I just felt a sense of belonging in that room of people that I didn't know. Though I won't exaggerate and say that I felt an immediate sense of community, I did feel more relaxed; I didn't have to make sure that I avoided non-masculine subjects or watched my body language, less someone thinks that I'm flamboyant (I so am by the way). So after that I went to some of the other events hosted by the Center like the Fabulous Fridays and Blue Devils United meetings. It was hard at first going into the Center to attend these events. I'm pretty sure that one of the things that people will remember me for is my extreme lateness; you know 5 minutes, 15 minutes, half an hour, an entire hour sometimes… The truth is that it was scary going into the Center even after a couple of times. I didn't know who else would be in there, I didn't know what to do/act/say. The whole thing just made me really self-conscious. It's gotten easier over the course of the semester and now I can comfortably walk in anytime but it has definitely been a process.

So I realize that I'm just rambling now and I didn't cover a lot of ground in this entry. It's not even very personal so let me apologize for failing to meet the expectations of this blog. Looking back on what I've written, I didn't realize that this was how I felt about things. Putting everything into words and grammatically incorrect sentences is somewhat self-enlightening so I'll continue blogging. Thanks for reading.

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here and queer

I am a human being. I love like you love. I deserve to speak. I deserve to be a visible member of this campus. I deserve to have my administration visibly in support of my community. I deserve to say who I am. To speak my truth. I deserve to walk into the LGBT center without fear that other students will see me. I deserve to have a presence as an LGBT student. I am a human being.

So many ideas running through my mind for this upcoming year. In such a political time, there are so many open doors for us. I want to create an atmosphere for first year LGBT students that says: We as a campus and as an LGBT community are honored and excited to have you just as you are. I want future students to have a better first-year experience than I had--to feel at home sooner than I did. BDU can do this, can persistently work for this.

I look forward to reading this blog. It's scary to feel alone and I hope that sharing experiences and thoughts will alow for a safe place of community.

Silo is always open for questions :) so please don't hesitate to email me

<3 Silo

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Purpose and Goal

We, the executive board of Blue Devils United, created this blog as a means for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Students and Allies (LGBTA) to share their experiences with the rest of Duke. Each contributor holds their own account and writes about their lives under a pseudonym. These are their real and unedited stories. We hope that readers will gain an understanding of the challenges, triumphs, and everyday lives of LGBTA students.

If you would like to be a contributor, send an email to BlueDevilsUnited@gmail.com. The account is private and anything that you say is confidential.

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